Does anyone watch Brother's and Sister's?  I was a little worried about watching it this year because one of the characters lost her husband.  I had read previews and they had said the show would move forward one year after Robert had died.  But they were wrong.  Yes they moved forward a year but Robert had been in a coma for that one year and Kitty had to make the decision no one should ever have to make.  She made the decision I had to make with David.  To say I cried watching that episode would be an understatement!  However it has gotten better since then. I want to quote a couple of scenes from two different episodes that really hit home for me.  The first one aired on 10/24/10 and is titled "Call Mom."  In it The mom Norah is competing for a job on a radio station with another woman and the title of the radio show will be Call Mom.  Kitty has been dating a man and they go to make love and she can't.  So she calls her mom and finds out she is on the radio so they patch her through and she asks how to deal with this live on the radio.

Kitty:  "I recently lost my husband."
Norah: "Katherine (Kitty used a fake name) that sounds like a very hard situation."
Kitty: "Yes but I met another man."
Norah: "You did?  Well that sounds wonderful."
Kitty: "But when things got to close, you know what I mean?  I couldn't do it.  I mean I literally could not do it.  And and I panicked and I ran away."
Norah:  "What are you feeling now?"
Kitty: "Well I feel sad, I feel guilty and I'm afraid.  I'm afraid I am never going to get out of this fog I am in and I'm afraid I am never going to be able to be with another man."
Norah:  "Oh honey uhh Katherine.."
Dr. Alex interrupts Norah: "You know Katherine most people consider a year to be the minimum waiting period.  Statistics show..."
Norah now interrupts her:  "Well that's just jim dandy peachy keen Dr. Alex but statistics can't hold your hand at night or share a cup of coffee with you in the morning.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose a husband?"
Dr. Alex: "I, I"
Norah: "Well I do.  And so I know, listen Katherine you're grieving.  Not only for the husband you had lost but the life you had envisioned.  You're grieving for the future and all the plans and dreams you had in your head.  Now that's all gone.  There's a wonderful saying, "You have to give up the life you've planned to find the life that's waiting for you."  All our lives we grow by giving up things by loss and moving on.  Big things, little ones how we handle those losses really defines who we are."

There was more but that whole section just resonated with me.

Then in the 11/7/10 episode titled Resolved the part Scotty says to Kevin when talking about why he cheated on him sounded so much like me.  Except I never cheated on David.

Scotty explained that it is always about Kevin, that it sometimes feels like Kevin takes up all the oxygen in the room even.  That the one night he needed it to be about him (Scotty) once again it was about Kevin and him missing Robert and being upset.  And some guy showed Scotty attention and made it all about Scotty.  Kevin then asked why Scotty never told him before.  Scotty said because he liked it, he felt needed.  That growing up he felt ignored/invisible.  And see that is what happened with me and David.  I loved making it all about him, I felt needed like I never had before.  Yes there were times I wish it could have been about me but David well he was just David and it always ended up being about him without him even trying.  I think that is one of the problems I am having with him being gone.  I was so used to it being about him, I loved it being about him so much.  So I feel unneeded and so very much alone without him.  It's a void in my life that may never be completely filled again.

So I'm sick.  I have a sinus infection which left untreated could get worse to the point of me having to have surgery.  So I go to the doctor and pay for an office visit I really can't afford.  Then I go to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic just to find out the doctor made a mistake and ordered me a prescription for a drug in the penicillin family and I am allergic to penicillin.  The pharmacist caught it luckily and they called to get me a new prescription.  I go back tonight to pick it up and it was $62.  I don't have the money to pay for that, I mean I don't have it.  They said they could hold the prescription for up to 7 days, what good does that do my infection?  And I still won't have the money to pay for it.  I broke down, right there in Walmart, crying.  I can't take this, I just can't!  I miss David, I hate having to struggle just to survive.  The pharmacist knows who I am because of David and he took pity on me and gave me the prescription.  I hate being this pathetic poor person.  I am working two jobs and still I am struggling to try and make ends meet. I am just so tired and I just want David back. =(

Ever just feel suddenly overwhelmed for no apparent reason?  Out of the blue?  I just had that feeling come over me.  I think it might have been a panic attack trying to start but I caught it and stopped it before it could get going full steam.  I think right now too much is happening too fast. Two jobs, several volunteer things.  Trying to do things with friends and church and going back to school next fall.  I just feel like I am losing myself or something.  Like I am so different now from who I was that at times it feels unnatural?  I don't know I am sure it's all in my head.

I am just physically tired.  I feel like I am doing to much but then I feel like I am not doing enough.  The whole theory that if I keep busy I won't miss David as much or whatever.  Problem with that is when I keep to busy it wears me down physically.  And when I am worn out physically it tends to make me more emotional then ever.  Yet when I am not busy I have to much time to think.  So basically damned if I do and damned if I don't kind of thing.

So I was supposed to have my orientation at Kohl's today, right?  Yea well guess there was a mix-up and a half hour into orientation the one manager asked if I minded coming back and doing it on Wednesday night.  I want to keep them happy so sure no problem.  Then one of the women from Kohl's called me tonight and asked if I minded pushing it back a whole week to next Wednesday.  Sure no problem.  Glad I have another job so I am not counting on this paycheck from Kohl's but it's good.  I just want to get started!

What a week!  I got the job at Kohl's that I had interviewed for.  It is only seasonal to start but has the potential of lasting after if I prove myself to be a good employee, which I will!  My computer crashed and I had to completely restore it back to factory whatever.  Still have no audio but that is the least of my worries.  Found out I have been accepted to go back to college, where I am going to major in elementary education.  And I now feel guilty for having such a good week and feeling so happy.  I know David has been gone a year.  And I know he would want me to be happy and get on with my life.  But I feel like it is still to soon to feel the happiness I felt this past week.  Like by feeling that happiness it's as if I am saying I don't miss David as much as I do or our life together didn't mean as much as it did.  It's just a weird set of emotions to deal with and no one should ever have to deal with them.  But we do, everyday young widows and widowers have to get on with their lives without the love of their lives.  We get up and go about living even though there is a part of us inside still that feels dead and lost without our spouses.  It sucks really that our happiness is now so connected with our sadness.  It's a new kind of marriage really and not a good one at all but it is our new reality, our new normal.

Well I made it through the year of firsts.  Of course I was fairly numb for most of it.  And I have been warned the second year can actually be worse then the first was.  Whatever.  And I'm not saying that because I don't care, I do and probably way to much.  But I just can't worry about it or think about it to much or I will drive myself even further insane then I already am.  It's going to be what it's going to be.  Part of my problem is I build things up to much in my head so maybe if I try not to think about it, try not to worry about it before it happens.  Just go with the flow.  If I am sad I will be sad, if I am happy I will be happy, if I am mad or upset I will be mad or upset.  I don't know where my life is going, maybe it will end up sucking even more then it already has.  Or maybe some or all of my hopes and dreams will come true, I have no clue and I know now whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I have very little control over it.  I don't know, guess I am feeling mellow or something tonight or just going with the flow of it kind of thing.

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1.02.28

So I have had a headache for four days now.  I know it has more to do with what was happening a year ago at this time then anything else.  The strange dreams I was having last night probably the same thing.  One of my dreams was that David and I were fighting and someone said we should do marriage counseling.  If only that were reality.  I would take us mad at each other and fighting every day to this.  But it isn't my reality.  My reality is that my husband has been dead for almost a year now.  I have done better then I thought I would but knowing that doesn't make this any easier.  It doesn't make the ache in my heart any smaller.  It doesn't make me feel any less alone at night.  But it is my reality and I am dealing with it the best I can.  It includes happy days and really sad days and everything in between.  This new reality sucks just an FYI.  I hope it won't always.  I sincerely hope there is another man out there who will love me for who I am, the way I look and everything else.  I miss being half of a couple.

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1.02.28

My last full day with David

52 weeks ago on Tuesday Oct 6 I spent my last full day with my David.  In the morning he went to a meeting at a vocational rehab place while I went to work out at Curves.  He came home all excited because he had been given a list of names to call for job interviews.  He was finally going to be able to go back to work!  That night I decided to surprise him by taking him to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D.  He was such a big kid!  On the way home he thanked me for taking him.  I was still waiting to ovulate so we got home and we made love.  It was such a nice normal happy day.  I wish I could remember it without crying but I know I will never be allowed to have another day like that with my David so it makes that memory so sad for me instead of happy. =(

And crash!

I just miss him, it's been almost a year!  It shouldn't still hurt this much.  Time does not heal all wounds, it's a load of crap.  How do I live years and years with this pain?  Why do I have to?  We didn't have nearly enough time together!  Why did I have to lose my husband?  Why?!

I miss him

It is coming up on a year since I lost David and I miss him as much today as I did the day he died.  I keep reliving those last weeks in my mind wishing I could some how change it all and he would magically still be here with me.  Decided to take my contacts out last night in preparation for the tears to come because they have already been coming the last few nights.  I'm just really lonely.  No matter how busy I am with church and friends and family at the end of the day I still go to sleep alone.  I miss my husband, even the annoying things he used to do I miss and would take back in a heartbeat.

Yep life is a highway

And you never really know where your life may go.  I am so busy lately.  Between my weekly girls support group meeting on Wednesdays, bible study on Wednesday mornings, Sunday School/Bible study every other week on Sundays and ESL on Monday nights.  Oh yea and working 10 hours a week at Meadowbrook I am keeping pretty active.  Oh and I also am doing the food bank twice every six weeks and bulletins at church once every eight weeks.  I am enjoying being active I am but I wish I didn't have to lose David for this to happen.  I am selfish and I want this life plus my husband.  Because at the end of the day I am still lonely.

I would have to say my favorite of everything I am doing is working with the kids at Sunday School and ESL.  I love them you and older.  They are all so cute and so full of energy and they all just want to learn!

So today at work (after my sort of accident) I was thinking about how much I am enjoying the kids.  David and I had talked about being foster parents but we knew until he got his transplant it wasn't an option and then well we just didn't have enough time to act on it.  So now I am back to thinking about being a foster parent.  I am just in the thinking stage but my gut and heart both tell me it's something I want to do, something I might be good at.  I want to be a mom and there are so many kids out there who want/need a mom who will love them and do their best to raise them the right way.  Maybe this is what I was meant to do?  Maybe this is God's purpose for me?

Emotional roller-coaster

When this grief journey first started my pastor said it was like being in the ocean.  You could always feel the water moving but every once in awhile the waves would come crashing down on you.  So basically you are sad all the time but every once in awhile the grief just overwhelms you.  And that was true the first 9 months or so.  But the last couple of months I feel like it's more like being on a roller-coaster.  You slowly work up to feeling okay or even happy or content or even just okay and then boom you are barreling down into the darkness in an almost freefall.  It's worse then the ocean because the grief when it hits now is coming more and more out of the blue and just sucker punches you.  Sure I understand why it's happening but it just seriously shoves me backward and I so don't like it.  But I am liking myself, I am seeing that I have potential.  I'm not perfect and never will be and I am okay with that.


I also know that I am very blessed.  Blessed because I do still have God in my life and I am closer to him now then I ever have been.  I also have a mom who loves me and I know she hates seeing me in pain and she tries her best to help me.  And I have friends, so many friends and I will forever be grateful for each and everyone of them.  They have helped me in so many ways.  When something like this happens you do find out who your friends are and I love mine so much and I have so many more then I ever realized.

Less then a month until the one year anniversary.  The roller-coaster is probably going to be working over time, especially cause I am an overly emotional person even on a good day lol.

I wonder...

What would my life be like right now if David hadn't died?  I know I wouldn't be as close to my friends as I am now, so that is one thing I would not want to change.  Everything else though?  And I do mean everything else I would change back in a heartbeat to have David here with me.  In 4 weeks it will be a year and I hate my life and I hate having had to open myself up and I just I don't know what I want but this isn't it.  This ache in my soul this pain in my chest, these tears once again streaming down my face.

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1.02.28

A Good Nights Sleep

I'm still sad and I still miss David, but it is amazing how much better you can feel after a full/good nights sleep.  I wish I didn't have so many sleep issues.  Maybe if I didn't the rest of my life wouldn't feel quite so out of control all the time.

I'm just so lost...

The pain and sadness since last night has just grown and grown to the point I just don't know which way to turn.  I don't know who I am and I'm starting to forget who I was.  I thought turning more toward Church, towards God would help but I feel just as lost and confused today as I did the day David died.  All I do know is that I want to be with him, it is the only thing that makes sense to me.  He would make everything okay.  Nothing is ever going to be okay again, I just have to learn to accept it.  This is my life now and I hate it and I just have to learn to live with it.  I don't know how but I don't really have a choice.  The one thing I do know is this sucks it just really sucks and no pain I ever felt in life prepared me for this.

When will this pain go away?

I really can't handle it anymore.  My heart hurts so much.  Can't stop crying.  The pain is just so intense.  I want David, I need David.  I have never felt so all alone in my entire life.  I just want the pain to go away and I don't want to be lonely anymore.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  I don't know how to make this better.  What do I do?  =(

Crash

I am just so ....and...I just don't....so alone...miss David...eleven months next week.  Don't know what to do.  So lonely...sinking.  I want David back!!!  Can't stand the pain.  So overwhelming.  Can't stop crying.  Miss him so much.  To much.  =(  Don't know what to do.  Why?  All alone.  =(

Life goes on...

Whether you want it to or not.  I have always known that but now I really see it.  When David died I wanted to, it would have been so easy to just go further into myself and block out the rest of the world.  But either because it really wasn't in me to do that or because enough people cared about me to keep nudging me out I didn't.  My life before David died was, well David.  I did go to Curves and Spiece and do exercise classes without him and of course he had his dialysis and golf he did without me but other then that we were together all the time.  It's one of the reasons why I miss him so much every single minute of the day.

However since then I still go to Spiece, though haven't lately cause the pool is closed for maintenance.  I am helping with out Church's foodbank on two different teams so twice every six weeks.  I am going to be folding the Church bulletins once every eight weeks.  I go to Wednesday morning Bible Study, will be going to Sunday morning Bible Study when it starts up the Sunday after Labor Day.  I am going to try teaching ESL to Burmese students every Monday night at Church.  On Wednesday's I get together with my friends for a weight loss/general support group.  Bowling starts soon and even though I only joined for David I am still going to do it because I miss my friends.  There is talk of starting an evening Bible Study that I would go to.  And I am still subbing all the time for EACS in the kitchen.  I have a life and not one that costs lots of money, just time and energy and lots of love.

I didn't think I would survive David dying.  I still have moments where I question if I really really will.  But I am actually enjoying everything I am doing.  I am getting out and helping others and I love doing that.  I am getting closer and closer to God and I really love that.  I wish I hadn't lost David but I am thankful I am finding myself and I like who I am!  I think I am a pretty caring and giving person and there is nothing wrong with that.  I'm not beautiful, not even that pretty but I have a large heart that just wants to help and be happy.  It's a pretty good start I think. =)

Allergies, Sinus' and a really stuffed up head!

So I have worked every school day so far at Meadowbrook!  I love the little kids, they are so cute and so many of them are really sweet and polite.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling like I was getting a head cold, but I later realized it is allergies and my sinus' were messed up.  I didn't get the job at INC but did get some really positive feedback, so maybe some day in the future?  By Thursday my allergies were so out of control I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep.  They did start getting better on Friday and by today they aren't completely horrible anymore but I am still stuffed up.  And even with all of that I did manage to get in four six mile bike rides with my friends this week.  Think we will have to slow those down though as everyone is just getting to busy.  But something maybe to look forward to in the spring!

Missing David more and more and just feeling so lonely.  I miss having someone here with me all the time.  I miss the love and affection and companionship.  I miss my David. :*(

Am I jinxing myself?

So Monday morning started off not great.  I realized the pharmacy had shorted me one month of my three month supply of my anti-depressant.  They fixed it right away, it helps that they knew me because of David.  And the week just went uphill from there.  I went in to pay my frontier bill and they said I was eligible for 3 months of free HBO and Cinemax.  Yay!!  Then I got a message from my friend that her work wanted me to come in for an interview for a job. Did the interview on Tuesday and it went well I think.  Wednesday is bible study which I LOVE and also the day my weight loss group meets and I lost another pound this week.  Yay!!  Today I subbed at Meadowbrook in the kitchen and I really liked it and the time went by fast.  Then I went for a test for the job I interviewed for and I think I did really good.  I got a 93% on the alphanumeric test, a 96% on the numeric only test and a 70% on the Excel test and the lady who did the test said that because the Excel test is so hard 70% is the average high score for people who take it at that office!  I feeling so strong and confidant and just connected to God this week.  Hope, hope, hope this feeling lasts.  I hate the crashes and just love feeling this way about myself! =)

Have a job...sorta!

I am going to be working as a sub for the school system in the kitchen.  I am already scheduled for the first two days of school and could get more days right away.  It won't be a lot of money but it is way better then nothing!  Definitely the boost I have needed!

Anxiety attacks suck!!

I have been having little ones off and on all day long and now I am having a major one!  I know what's causing it but now I can't stop it.  I haven't had one this bad in months.  Between not being able to breath and clenching my jaw I seriously think I could go insane tonight!  I mean seriously, not even joking. =\

Yet another day has gone by

Still really depressed but feeling a little better.  Went to church this morning and we sat in the back which means I couldn't hear very well.  Since the sermon touched a lot on what I am going through (yes God I see your hands all over that one!) I decided to go again tonight so I could actually hear it all.  It's kind of annoying because it feels like God knew where my head would be this weekend so he had the Pastor do this specific sermon today.  Very annoying and yet comforting all at the same time.  Almost like he used my Pastor to talk to me.  I am still struggling, a lot.  But the sermon has given me a lot to think about in a positive way.  It also helps that all of my friends have supported me and told me it is the companies loss and in my heart I know they are right.  I would have been a damn good employee for these people and they have lost out on a golden opportunity.  So now I need God to show me which direction I am supposed to move in next.

So a whole day has gone by...

I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me?  What do I do or say or not do or say that makes people not want to hire me?  Is it because I am too fat?  I have been working on that for so long and it is such a huge struggle for me.  But I can't lose the weight over night, if I could I would believe me.  I don't know what to do to get people to want me to work for them.  I have only had two places even offer me interviews out of all the ones I have applied at, and if one more person tells me it is a crappy economy I will scream!  I know it is but both times I have been brought in for interviews I felt so confident and then nothing.  So it has to be me.  I just wish I knew what it was that they don't like about me so I could change it!

Knocked down again

So I didn't get the job.  I don't know what to do or think or feel anymore.  I am so tired of getting kicked while I am already down.  I don't know what God wants from me.  If there even is a God.  Not only am I at the end of my rope but the rope is gone.  I just want to be with David, it's all I want.  It's all I think about.  It's all I care about.  So now I just wait until I can be with him again.  It's all I have left in me.

Sigh - again

I just seriously feel like my life is stuck in some horrible nightmare.  I can't seem to move forward, no matter how hard I try.  Maybe I am moving forward and just can't see it.  But right now I feel so stuck and am just so unhappy and so lonely and just really want my husband back.  Yea we were poor but we were poor together.  This being poor all by yourself just sucks.  I know that no one thing will make me happy or my life complete but getting a job would be an improvement.  Not worrying about how I am going to pay bills or buy even the very basics in groceries would be a nice change of pace for me.  I am just feeling so UGH tonight.  And of course when I am like this I miss David so much more then I already do every other minute of the day.  I just really want to be with him. =(

So I have made a decision...

Chris the one who wasn't picked by Ali tonight on the Bachelorette, if by some miracle you read this blog I will marry you. =)  And I am good with our honeymoon being in Bora Bora but I will understand if you never want to go back to that island because it holds bad memories for you.  We can go some where else, I'm good with it as long as you are there with me.  Just saying! =)

Strange Dreams

So it has been a rainy cool day here, which means perfect for napping!  Okay okay since I am a napping Queen I don't really need it to be rainy and cool to take a nap but I do love taking them even more on days like this.  So I was on my second nap of the day when I had the strangest dream.  I dreamed I had planted cucumbers.  Now since I don't like cucumbers that part is strange enough but what made the dream really strange was where I planted them.  I planted them behind my bed, yes inside my house and into the floor behind my bed.  WHAT?!?  And it wasn't my bedroom here, in the dream it was my bedroom where David and I lived in Burbank and that was over 9 years ago.  So in my dream I am picking the cucumbers, they are along the wall and in the baseboards and I had several good sized ones I was picking.  So any of you who can interpret dreams, any clue what in the heck this dream means? =O

What have I done?

So I have gone back and forth with the thought of looking for a guy online.  I never sought out a guy David sought me out.  I am so not good at dating.  David was my only real relationship.  Well in a weak moment I signed up for eharmony.  I think I am way to picky they only sent me two matches and then I am way to chicken to contact them.  Well the other day on facebook it gave me an ad for match.com and I thought what the heck.  So now I am signed up for that too!  I am doing the free version of both which means what I can see or do is limited.  Since signing up for match.com three men have cyber winked at me.  One is 50 from Los Angeles, one is 49 from Orlando and today's is 47 from Santa Rosa, CA.  He reminds me a lot of David and ironically his name is David.  I winked back at him!! =O  There is no way it will happen because he is there and I am here but he is the cute and the first guy who made my heart jump.  To bad he doesn't live near me. =(  Not that we would fall in love or anything.  But seriously what was I thinking signing up for these sites?

Grief

So today I had one of my sessions with my pastor.  He has been doing grief counseling and well just counseling with me since a few weeks after David died.  There really isn't much more he can do for me.  I know it is all up to me now.  But when I have one of my sessions I feel safe and know I can say how much I just miss David.  I know I can tell my friends to but I have this fear that there will come a point when they are sick of hearing it so I try not to say it to often to them and save it up for my sessions.  Today he asked me what I miss the most about David.  I miss every little thing about him.  I just miss having him here with me.  I miss being able to look over to his chair and see him sitting there sleeping.  I miss being able to reach out to his side of the bed and feel him lying there.  I miss looking forward to him coming home to me.  I just miss him so much.  How am I supposed to live without him?  In theory I am only midway through my life span, how do I live another 40+ years without him?  He wasn't perfect but he was mine.  I didn't go out looking for him but there he was and he wanted me.  Why I will never understand but he wanted me and now he is gone and I am all alone again.  And so the tears started flowing in my session and now they can't stop.  I hate this feeling, it is just so overwhelming. =(

The Bachelorette

So how did I get addicted to this show?  Oh yea my friend Amanda did it last season by getting me to come over and watch the Bachelor with her.  I could never ever do a show like this, I wouldn't want to set myself up to be hurt by not being the one who is picked in the end.  But I do watch it faithfully now each week with Amanda and whoever else comes over to her house to watch with her.  Plus I do enjoy the train wreck aspect of it.  I mean come on who doesn't love Kasey singing and saying over and over that he just wanted to guard and protect Ali.  Had I known how many times he would utter that phrase I would have had us make a drinking game out of it.  But then again I would have probably been to drunk to drive home while he was still on the show.  I do wish someone would go back through the season and count how many times he did say it.  Guy was a bit nutty if you ask me, not that you did. =D

Enough with the heat already!!

Seriously my fat should be melting it is so hot out!  =(

But in happier news I have a job interview on Wednesday.  I am hopeful I will get it.  I know I am qualified and I know I would do a great job.  Now I just need to convince the people interviewing me to hire me instead of one of the other 6 people they will be interviewing for the position.  I'm due for something to go right in my life, aren't I?

I have spent the last couple of nights helping my friend Amanda with her UpperCase Living.  Between getting her ready for her open house and helping her to put up some of her projects it finally got me motivated to put up all the ones I had ordered last year.  I even put up the Believe In Miracles one which after David died I swore I would never put it up.  I hung it in my bedroom so I can see it before I go to sleep and after I wake up in the morning.  It is hanging above the bible verses my pastor printed up in large print for me to hang up where I would read them often to help get me through my grieving process.

Here are pics of the UL I have:

This one I had awhile ago and decided to put it on a piece of painted wood so I could move it from room to room if I wanted to.

This is the one in my bedroom

I put this one in the hallway.

This one is in the kitchen.

This is in the living room above the mirror that hangs over the fireplace.

 

 

And because I love the products so much here is a plug for Amanda if anyone is interested in placing an order!  http://werling.uppercaseliving.net/Home.m

It is possible to be happy and sad all at the same time!

So my oldest nephew Josh and his wife had their baby boy Henry today.  They already have two daughters and this is the last baby they intend to have and they were of course hoping for a boy.  I am really happy for them.  but at the same time I can't help but wondering why I wasn't able to have at least one child with David.  Why I am now all alone in life.  Friends/family isn't the same thing after a spouse has died.  They can only fill up so much of my time before they have their own lives to deal with.  It's the happy things that make me feel the most alone in life.  I miss David so much and it hurts so much and it's a double edged sword.  I want the pain to go away but I don't because as long as I am hurting I know I am still remembering David. =(

Why

If you believe in God like I do there are so many times you just sit and think why.  Why did David go through all the stuff with the kidney failure just to die anyway?  Why did Ellie give him one of her kidneys and now he is gone and she only has one kidney?  Why are the one members of my church's two year old grandson having to deal with brain cancer?  What could that little boy have done to deserve that?  Why are people given the blessing of having children but they don't love them and turn around and abuse them?  Yet David and I would have loved and cherished any child we could have had and we were left childless.  The why's will drive you crazy if you let them.  I will always want to know why but I am coming to terms with the fact that I never will get that answer.  I just hope God does plan for me to find the happiness I so desperately want.  I hope!

My journey with Infertility

I always said I didn't want kids.  I really did but I didn't think I would ever get married because I didn't think any man would ever be attracted to me.  And in my mind marriage and kids go hand in hand, I'm traditional that way.  Then I met and married my David and I wanted kids.  It was all I could think about.  At first we had the when it happens it happens theory.  Then time went by and my cycles were getting more and more out of whack.  So I went to one doctor but then got transferred to another and blah blah blah years later still don't know why they are so out of whack.  The theory at the time was my body just didn't adjust to not being on birth control properly. And do you want to know the irony of that situation?  I was put on birth control cause my cycles were out of whack, I had mid-cycle bleeding.  Yep put on them to correct the mid-cycle bleeding even though the cycles in and of themselves were running like clock work.  Go off the pill and I am lucky if I get my period every other month!  I mean really, the cure turned out to be worse then the original problem. *sigh* 

So 6 years or so into our marriage and still no luck getting pregnant and cycles still super long.  Then I started doing the whole temping thing every morning to see if I was even ovulating, good news is I was.  Bad news is they were just really long cycles with a super late O.  Then one cycle I see that I have O'd but I don't get my period.  We thought we had finally done it.  Only problem is all my body had done was have gallstones.  Yea great!!  I had to have an ultrasound done to confirm so mine wasn't congrats it's a boy or a girl, mine was yep you have gallstones.  The pain was horrendous and they say it's a lot like labor, so oh joy I have had the pain without the joy of having a baby to show for it. *rolleyes*  And then just because I think God has a screwy sense of humor my nephew and his brand new wife found out they were pregnant without trying and without wanting to be for several more years.  Had I really been pregnant our due dates would have been one day apart.  And with the gallstones it further threw my body out of whack and I went three months without a period.  Then once it started it didn't want to stop, I went three months with bleeding.  Basically I had three periods with just heavy spotting everyday in between.  UGH  The good news is a new doctor finally figured out what was wrong I had/have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome.  They put me on a low dose of metformin and poof my cycles were as regular as they used to be.

And thus ended the good news because just as soon as my end got fixed we found out David's end wasn't so good because of the kidney failure.  We were told we were perfect to do an IUI but that costs money so I had to save up for it.  We finally were able to do it after David's kidney transplant.  We did one in May 2009 which failed and then another in June of 2009 which also failed. =(  David was 42 and I was 40 at the time.  And in ironies another nephew and his wife did get pregnant in June and had I been pregnant our due dates would have been one day apart.  God really enjoys the jokes doesn't he?  But even though the IUI's failed and my clock was ticking away I didn't give up hope.  We figured once David got a job and we had some more money saved up we would just go with adoption but then David died and thus ended all of that.

I still long to have a family though, it's not an emotion you can just turn on and off.  I ache for it really.  Being infertile in a family that is full of fertility is so hard.  Every family gathering I am reminded of what I don't have, what my body failed to do.  And it is even worse now without David.  I lost so much on October 14.  Maybe I will get lucky and marry someone with kids or marry someone who wants kids and we can try IVF or adoption.  Maybe I will still get my family.  I don't know but I do know infertility has had a major affect on who I am and how I see the world and not always in a good way. =\

Heat plus that time of the month =

A not so happy Becky!  I am so tired of this heat, I don't like extreme hot or extreme cold!  And of course it is also that time of the month for me which adds another level to my over all crankiness.  However this time of the month does work in favor of my water aerobics instructor!  I don't like getting in the water when this is happening so last cycle I started using this time to re-organize the equipment we use for our water aerobics class.  I figure that way they are nice and neat for a few days a month anyway.  And the good news?!  Usually the week I start my period I gain weight because of water retention but this week I stayed the same so I must still be losing weight!  Go me!! =)

Flat top grill

Went out for lunch with a group of friends at Flat Top Grill.  I love that place!  I love that I love eating vegetables there I wouldn't normally enjoy but there they are not only edible but tasty as well.  I love getting to spend time talking to my friends.  This core group of women really have been here for me the past 9 months.  I am so blessed to have them and so many other friends in my life.  When you are going through something like I have you really find out who your true friends are.  I am lucky to have so many in my life!

After that a few of us went to church where we put together the bulletins for this Sunday's service.  My mom and I are going to be taking over our friends rotation of doing it now that she has a full time job.  What a great reason not to be able to do something!!  I am so happy for her!

Still not working myself but still feeling hopeful the latest job I have already had an informal interview at will turn out to be the one!

Nine months

When you are a kid time moves so slowly and yet as an adult it moves so fast.  How can nine months have gone by already since David died?  When will I stop thinking about him and how long he has been gone everyday?  And when that finally happens will I then feel guilty for not thinking about him and how long he has been gone everyday?  This is how my mind works.  I want to be able to I guess you would say move on with my life and yet I feel as if I do move on with my life I will be leaving David behind.  As if he didn't matter to me or I didn't love him enough.  This being a widow sucks eggs!  I'm afraid of moving on to quickly and not moving on quickly enough.  UGH!  And all I really want is to just be with David damn it!

Napping Champion!

So after church this morning I came home, ate some lunch and then went back to bed.  I slept for around five hours.  I so needed it after last nights crying jag.  I still have a headache but at this point I don't want to puncture my head anymore to try and make the pain stop.  It's almost a dull thud now.  Never underestimate the power of a good nap!

There should be no tears left...

In the past nine months I have cried so much that there should be no tears left in me.  I should have used up a lifetime supply, I'm pretty sure I have.  Yet they keep finding a way to come.  Since David died I have had what I consider two major crying jags.  I say only two because both of these lasted literally for hours and I wake up in the morning with a severe headache and extremely swollen eyes.  The first was the night of my birthday, why it was harder on me then his is still beyond me and the second was last night.  Why I sunk so deep last night I have no clue.  It wasn't an important date that I can think of.  I was just so filled with missing him that once the tears started there was no stopping them.  And even right now I sit here with them once again streaming down my face.  The loss of someone you love as much as I love David, it's a pain I can't describe and it's a pain no one should ever have to feel.  It is inevitable, if you and your spouse truly love each other as you should, then one of you will experience this pain.  For the one left behind this hell is very nearly unbearable.  Will I survive it?  In theory yes but at what cost?  Will I ever find love again?  I am told I probably will but I have my doubts.  I never thought anyone would want me and then there was David.  Lightening can't really strike twice, can it?

Feeling blue

I am missing David so much.  I am feeling so lonely.  I just need him here to hold me and tell me everything will be okay as long as we are together.  But we aren't together anymore so how can anything ever be okay again.  I really want to go be with him. =(

Family Fun Night

Once a month my church has something called 'Family Fun Night' in the past several of my friends have invited me to come.  I always felt I would feel out of place because when I was first invited it was just me and David, no kids.  Then after David died I felt I would feel even more out of place because now no kids or a husband.  I finally went last night.  It was okay, it's always nice spending time with my friends.  But I did feel out of place.  I was glad I had agreed to go and help watch the kids while the Pastor did the discussion, which of course was on parenting.  And since the kids were outside riding their bikes I just had one baby down in the nursery plus two ten year olds who were "helping" me.  Will I go back?  Not sure.  Am I glad I at least tried it?  I guess so, just makes me miss David even more if that is possible.  Struggling today with emotions, miss him so much and I am just so friggen lonely. =(

Introvert or Extrovert?

I definitely am an introvert because I think way to much.  I second guess myself constantly and I want to understand why, for everything.  Even things I can't possibly ever know the reason why.  But I also think I have an extrovert hiding inside me.  When I am with my friends I am very chatty and just enjoy being around them.  It's just getting me out, it's getting me to go someplace I am unfamiliar with that is the trick.  I am shy and I do like just sitting at home watching tv, reading and/or hanging out online.  But I also love being around people.  It's a balancing act for me.  When David was alive it was so easy, I didn't need to try and get out I just needed to be with him.  But now I am alone and I don't like being alone but I also really hate trying new things.  True 9 times out of 10 I do enjoy whatever I ended up doing, it's just that fear of the unknown that always makes me want to hold back.

Heatwave number whatever

I don't like the heat, I really don't!  I prefer Fall or Spring!  I don't like it when it is to cold or to hot but if I had to choose I would take to cold.  I say that because I can always put more layers on in the cold but in the heat I can only get so naked before they would arrest me for indecent exposure! LOL!  But really I don't like the heat at all.  I am prone to heat stroke and all that fun stuff. and right now we are in the middle of yet another heatwave. =\

Another first come and gone

They say the year of the firsts after a loved one dies is the hardest.  I think that's what they say anyway.  But I wonder if it really is.  Because this year of first so far in has not been as hard as I imagined they would be.  Mostly because I either had family or friends or family and friends with me for each and every one of them to make sure I have gotten through each of them in as much of one piece as can be expected considering.  I have gotten through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, his birthday, my birthday, the anniversary of our first date, our Anniversary which also happened to fall on Memorial Day, the kidney walk and now the 4th of July.  It makes me worry that because with the exception of two of those dates I did get through them really easily IMO, I worry that the year of seconds could be worse then the year of firsts.  Which is of course inviting trouble I know and is a sign of my being an introvert and over thinking everything.  Which I know I shouldn't do since I have been told I over think things to much by not one but two of my Pastor's.  But the introvert in me just can't stop doing it, though I think I am getting better at it.  Okay that was funny cause I said think and getting better about not over thinking lol!  Wednesday will be 9 months since David collapsed.  Three quarters of a year gone by since I heard his voice.  The ache of missing him grows stronger which is is comfort and a curse all at the same time.  Time doesn't heal all wounds it really does just make the heart stronger to keep getting up every morning and going on as if your heart hasn't been shred to pieces.

I miss David

Some days the ache of missing him is stronger then others.  So many events in life, events that are happy but so sad for me just make me miss him more and more.  And with each day that passes I am getting farther and farther away from him.  I really need him tonight.  I need him to be here to put his arms around me and tell me that everything will be okay.  That even though we don't have children we can still have a great life together.  Only he isn't here and we won't have that life together.  I have to do it alone.  Yes I have friends and I love each and everyone of them so so much but at the end of the day I go to bed alone.  And please don't tell me I have God because last time I checked I couldn't make love to God.  I miss my husband!  I miss our life together even as pathetic as it was.  I just miss my Bubba. =(

Happy buzz gone

So my happy buzz from Saturday night lasted until I went to bed very late Tuesday night, technically very early Wednesday morning.  I enjoyed seeing Eclipse with my friends.  It was fun watching all three movies back to back and right now Eclipse is my favorite movie of the three.  I totally loved Rosalie and Jasper in this one and they were never my fav's before.

However thus ended the happy buzz.  I enjoyed feeling happy.  I looked forward to waking up and not actually just wanting to roll over and go back to sleep.  But it's gone and it didn't last long enough.  4 days though is the longest streak I have had since David died and like I was told earlier today now next I try for a 5 day streak and then each time longer and longer.

I don't know what I want anymore except all I really want is to be in David's arms.  Even when things were at their worst I felt safe and secure in his arms and now I'm afraid I will never feel safe and secure ever again.  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm tired of being sad.  But I don't know how to fix this.  I don't know how to just flip the switch and be happy more and sad less.  I want life to be easy for just once in my life. =(

Eclipse Tonight!!

Heading out with a bunch of my girl friends tonight to watch Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse!!  Can't wait!!  Still kind of riding my happy high from Saturday night.  Hoping this means I am finally moving forward with my life.  Hoping I will find someone new to love and spend a life with.  I want so much in life but mostly just to be happy.  And having a husband and a family to call my own is one thing that I think would make me very very happy.

Party last night!

So I went to my friends house for a party last night.  Now I have heard how these parties can be but being there first hand, well it was fun! :->  I drank way to much and more or less decided I am single and it's time to have some fun.  I didn't get home until after 3am and to say my head was spinning would be an understatement.  But I did cool off first by going into the pool with a bunch of the other party goers.  For the first time I ignored how fat I am and just went with it.  I am so glad I went and so glad I feel like I am really living again! =)

Getting To Know You Questions

Thought it would be fun to answer some random questions I found online!

• Do you like pets? Do you have any?  Yes I love pets.  I currently have 3 cats and a puppy. 
• What was the last book you read?  I am currently reading the bible.  The last one I finished was the latest JD Robb book.
• Are you fond of cooking?  Yes I just don't have a big enough kitchen to really enjoy it.
• Have you ever lived in another country? No.
• Have you ever met a famous person? Yes, cause I lived in LA and worked on TV shows.  But I have also met Keith Urban!
• What do you do in your free time? Facebook mostly.
• What kind of food do you prefer eating when you are out?  Chinese or pizza.
• What are the various languages that you know to speak in? I used to be able to speak German and read Spanish.
• What cartoon character best describes you the best?  Eeyore!
• If you had, an option to choose a place anywhere in the world where you could live for a year, where would it be?  New Orleans.
• If you knew you would not fail at it, what kind of work would you attempt doing?   I would love to either write and/or direct a movie!
• What super-power would you most like to have, and why?  Invisibility, so I could find out what people say behind my back.
• If you had $5 million to spend in 5 days, but with the clause that you could not spend any of it on yourself or your family, what would you do with it? I would give 1 million to the National Kidney Foundation.  I would give another million to the Diabetes Association,  I would give 1 million to Resolve to help people with infertility.  And I would give the last 2 million to my church to make sure we meet our budget and to use on missions or other charities we are involved in.
• Which sports do you like?  Baseball (Cubs), football (Colts) and basketball (Hoosiers).
• Who do you respect the most? My Pastors and several of my closest friends.
• Who plays the most influential role in your life?  God
• Which is your favorite concert you have ever attended? Keith Urban!
• Would you bungee jump? Yes, I think.
• What were you like when you were a kid? (happy, playful…) I was outgoing, according to my grandpa anyway.
• When was the first time that you had alcohol?  I don't know I was a kid.  My parents always let me have wine with 7up at Thanksgiving.
• If you were the richest person on earth, what would you do with the money you had? I would take care of my mom and buy myself a newer car and make sure to donate to charities and my church.
• What would your dream house be like? It would have a huge gourmet kitchen.  The master bedroom would have a walk-in closest and the bathroom would have a jet tub.  I would also have a huge family room and a huge backyard with a swimming pool and hot tub.
• If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why? Be more confident, because then I would hopefully believe in myself.
• What do you prefer - spontaneity or stability? Stability!
• Do you love kids? Yes, very much!
• Tell me about a favorite event of your adulthood/childhood. Meeting and then marrying my late husband.
• What are your hobbies? Reading, watching movies and bible study.
• What is your favorite color?  Green, lime green to be specific but I also love sage green as well.
• What is your favorite flower?  Sunflower, they are so cheerful and happy looking.
• What is your favorite time of day?  I am a night person!
• What is your favorite season? Fall, I love when the leaves are changing and it is warm during the day but cool at night!

Hot Showers!

I LOVE hot showers!  The hotter the better IMO.  David used to call me his lobster when I would get out of a shower cause I had usually turned my skin red from the heat.  A couple of times I have over done it and gotten light headed from the heat but has that stopped me?  Nope! =)  And today after mowing the grass and doing some other lawn work I realized that when you are hot and sweaty there is nothing more soothing then standing under a hot spray of water.  I could just stand there forever I think.  It's like I can feel my body sighing as the water runs from my head down to my feet.  I like baths to don't get me wrong but I love showers more because I am able to stand there with the water running over my head and since I am now on day 10 of having a headache that was just so soothing for my head.  To bad the headache is still here but I will take what I can get. =)

Feeling very blessed tonight!

It sucks that I had to lose David.  There will always be a hole in my heart from his dying to young and way to soon.  But I am seeing that his death has opened my eyes to a lot of things.  Like the fact that while I don't feel the family connection to my family that I wish I felt, the friends I have made in life has more then made up for that.  You don't realize how lucky you are until you find your life turned upside down and you have true friends who are there for you.  Some I have in my life and some I only have online but all of them just mean the world to me.  I will never forget this for as long as I live!

Ever feel like you aren't moving forward?

I feel like for so long my life has been stuck in one place.  Or on the rare chances we moved forward a step it felt like we ended up getting shoved back like 5.  And since David died I see all these people going on with their lives, having children or whatever and I get jealous.  I want that and I feel like any chance for that has been taken from me.  But I need to stop thinking that way.  I am allowing myself to not move forward.  No one is holding me back but me.  I need to just live, really let whatever happen happen and take it one day at a time and not expect things to get better over night just because that is what I want.  Life doesn't work that way.

A new day..

Did a lot of thinking this weekend.  Which shouldn't be shocking since I am an introvert and tend to over think everything.  I may not like who I am or who I have been, but I see who I can be and I am starting to like that person.  I am growing in my faith and because of that in who I have the potential to be.  Not everyone may like the "new" me but that will be their problem.  I need to worry about myself first.  If I am the person I believe God wants me to be then that is all I can do.  Have I been a bitter unhappy person?  Yes and considering everything I have been through in life that isn't a surprise.  The surprise IMO is that I am now coming through the other side and trying to get above being that person.  I never felt I was strong enough or good enough but I am starting to feel an inner strength and realize I am good enough and I can't let others opinions of me push me backwards.  I can't change others but I can change myself.  Others can only put me down if I allow them too and I am going to try very hard not to allow them to anymore!

Yesterday's Kidney Walk

It went great.  My mom and my cousins were there for me family wise and then my best friend from college along with my church family was there.  I am so blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.  They make my world a better place even when I am so not happy at all!  Between the entire group we exceeded the amount I hoped we would raise as a team, so go team Lil Bear's Walkers!!  Mom and I had a friendly competition to see who could raise the most money.  I bet her by $35 but it was neck and neck the whole time for us.  I woke up not feeling good yesterday.  I think the headache which I am now on day 6 of having might be more then just a simple headache.  My mom and several of my friends are wondering if all the stress I have been under has not caused me to have high blood pressure.  I will have to get it checked out I suppose, so hopefully I do get a job soon and can afford to get it checked out.  I spent the rest of yesterday sleeping.  Woke up early to try going to early church, I did kind of like it because there weren't as many distractions during the service as there is during the second service.  May keep going to the early one to see if I really like it or not.

I did take a nap after church and then went to my mom's for lunch and now I think it's time for the second nap of the day.  One of these times I'm going to be lucky and wake up with the headache finally gone.  Well I'm trying to be positive about it anyway. ;-)

Headache day 3

So I woke up Tuesday morning with a headache.  Thought it might be sinus' so I used my netti pot.  Nope headache still there.  I took some of my Excedrin migraine pills before I went to bed that night hoping it would go away while I slept.  No such luck, tried multiple things yesterday and it still didn't go away.  Woke up this morning with it worse then ever. I think it may be tension because while I am looking forward to the kidney walk on saturday a part of me is dreading it.  I'm afraid of how I will handle doing this without David.  This was his thing and I want him to be proud of me and I feel like I am putting more pressure on myself for some reason.  I think I am going to go lay down in bed with the curtains closed and see if that helps. =(

Yet another headache!

Seriously!  I woke up with this one.  I am sure it is weather related, it is in my sinus area but it is so annoying!

I made it through yesterday okay, the eight month mark of David dying.  This weekend is the kidney walk and I am sure it will be good and sad all at the same time.  I love continuing this "work" for David.  He loved it so much and it meant so much to him.

And I forgot to mention that last week I got the nicest thank you card.  On December 30, 2009 I had put a letter to the editor in the evening newspaper honoring the anniversary of David's transplant and reminding people to be tissue and organ donors.  This woman was touched by my letter and wanted to thank me for writing it.  She even included a clipping of the letter.  She had received a cornea stem cell transplant last year and was thankful for the family who donated them and allowed her to get her sight back.  I guess since she didn't know who they were she wanted to thank me for the two people who would have gotten my David's corneas.  It was a very sweet card and came at a good time for me.  A random act of kindness, the world needs more of those IMO.

Note to self

Always remember to take your anti-depressant!  Because even when I miss only one dose it makes me extra emotional and extra tired!  Missed yesterdays dose which would explain the post from yesterday and why I feel like someone has drugged me today!  It's not even noon here and I am so going back to bed to take a nap.

Oh and today's sermon at church, another one that really hit home for me.  It's something I have been trying to do for months now.  I know I need to focus on me and who I am and what I do right and wrong as opposed to others.  I can't change anyone else but I can make myself the kind of person God created me to be!

I did forget...

In my sadness about David today I forgot to brag about Lucy Lu.  Okay so she isn't a kid or anything but she is my baby!  I took her to the parade, the route went just to the corner of where I live so in the event she wasn't behaving I could just walk the three house length to get her home.  But she was such a good puppy!  She let little kids pet her and she licked one little girls nose and made her giggle.  She only tried barking at another dog and she did want to get the candy they throw out.  But she pretty much just sat there and watched the parade go by.  She will be a year old in two weeks!  And right now she is laying on my lap sleeping.  There were days right after David died that I really regretted having a puppy to deal with but I am so happy I have our Lucy Lu! =)

Being positive...

When one is faced with something like losing their spouse they should qualify for disability pay.  Just trying to stay positive when your heart is broken is a full time job and an uphill battle.  I always knew if David went first I would have a hard time dealing with it.  I never knew it would rip me up so much though.  It will be 8 months on Monday that he breathed for the last time and I can't stand that so much time has already gone by.  I feel like the entire world should have stopped when my world did.  Why does life have to go on?  Why can't we just be allowed to stop and grieve without having to worry about the day to day crap?  Today was the Canal Days parade and David loved the parade, he loved all of Canal Days. We would walk down several times a day just to walk around and people watch.  And of course he had to get at least one elephant ear, but he usually talked me into buying him a second one before the festival was over.  I have been down once to walk the whole thing and did go to the parade but it isn't the same.  Nothing is the same without David.  He was the one who lived life to the fullest and when he died he took all of that light and happiness with him.

So yesterday before the power outage I did want to post about a potential job I am trying for.  One of my best friends, the place she works is hiring and she recommended me for the job.  I went in for the informal interview on Monday and they finally posted it online so I could officially apply for it yesterday.  The guy who does the hiring, the one I interviewed with on Monday, is on vacation this week so I won't hear anything about a formal interview until next week Monday at the earliest.  It is only part time to start (25 hours a week) but if you work at least 20 hours a week you qualify for benefits which includes insurance!  And in two years it will go to full time and it is the night shift which is what I want.  So could everyone please send positive thoughts and/or prayers my way?  Thanks!

Power outages suck!

So my nice relaxing evening was interrupted by a 3 and a half hour power outage.  I do have a longer blog post to make but I am to tired tonight to type it up.  It will keep until later. =)

Life. same just a different day

I guess this week has gotten away from me.  I didn't even realize I hadn't blogged anything in 5 days.  Which is either good or bad depending on how you look at it. 

So Sunday nothing much happened, just church.  I am finding I am getting more out of the sermons now that I am going to bible study and reading the bible daily on my own.  This Sunday's sermon really hit home for me because it was about death and a lot of what the Pastor talked about is my reality now.

Monday I had my "informal" job interview.  I think it went well but they still have to post the job online and interview others who apply.  It would start out part time and in two years it would be full time.  I can live with that, especially since at 20 hours I would already be eligible for insurance!!

Tuesday was a comedy of errors for the kidney walk coming up on the 19th of June.  Don't ask!

Wednesday was bible study and my nephew Matt's fiance came as well as a friend who is still in high school.  I love getting new people to come to bible study.  And never in a million years would I think I would have felt that way before David died.  If nothing else my faith is growing stronger every day for some reason.

Which brings me to today.  Nothing to exciting I mowed the grass.  Went to Sam's Club with my mom and am now watching the Cubs game.  Later she is coming over and we are going to walk down to Canal Days and watch my friends daughter perform her dance routine she learned for her recent recital!  After that my niece has a softball game.

I really lead an exciting life don't I?

And by the way I am ready to start dating again, so if any of you who are living in my area know of a good unattached guy consider me if he is looking for someone. =)

I am NOT a morning person!

I do not like getting up early!  My body or really my brain doesn't even begin to wake up until around 9am.  Which is actually an hour earlier then it used to be.  So why am I up?  Oh yea I said I would help my nieces-to-be with a garage sale they are having.  Must go back to bed but can't until at least this afternoon.  I am so taking a nap!  Especially cause I slept bad last night cause of the sunburn I got from helping them yesterday.  I really hope they appreciate this!

I hate...

I really hate it when I get to tired these days because it tends to make me extra emotional.  When you are crying for no apparent reason it is time for a nap!  Which I was and I did take one and feel better now.  But really hate that simply being tired can push my buttons like that.  Sometimes I really worry about myself!

Today would have been my 13th Anniversary

13 years ago we got married.  We thought we would live to see our 50th anniversary at least.  Why was our lives together cut so short?  Why did we have to deal with so much during that short time?  I know, these are questions I will never get answered but damn it I want to know!  I miss him so much, my heart is still so broken without him.

So

I have kind of been in what I call a funk this week.  Hearing finally from Bethesda and not in the way I wanted/needed pushed me pretty close to the edge so to speak.  When you don't have much going on in your life and you really need a job and the interviews went so well, well it is really frustrating to have to wait about 6 weeks just to get a form letter.  Plus this coming Monday would have been our 13 anniversary so I guess that combined with other things just really put me in a funk.  I have been given potentially good news but not gonna blog about it until it goes one way or the other.

Another one of those weeks

So didn't get the job I wanted.  My anniversary is on Memorial day.  My body is gearing up to ovulate.  It is hotter then hell, okay maybe not hell but it is seriously hot.  And I am just emotionally and physically burned out right now.  I really wish I could fall asleep and wake up and realize this was all some seriously bad nightmare. =\

Bethesda

So got a letter in the mail dated Friday May 21.  They apparently can't go further with my application.  Once again no reason given.  So sick and tired and frustrated with life!

Ever have one of those days?

Or maybe I should say one of those lives?  Technically nothing happened one way or the other today.  Yet here I sit crying and so sad and alone and feeling like life sucks and it will just never get any better.  I am so tired and scared and just sick of trying and feeling like I am not getting to where I want to be.  That I will never get to have any of my dreams come true.  The day David went into the hospital my world ended and I just feel like I will never get to be happy again, truly happy.  I just am feeling so lost and alone and just want to be with David because even at it's worse as long as I was with David everything was okay and now that he is gone how can it ever be okay again?  I miss him so much, it's unbearable.  I would never wish this feeling on my worst enemy because it is just all consuming.  I don't know what to do.

Hmmmmm

So I just checked Bethesda's website and now instead of 13 part time jobs they only list 6 part time jobs.  Which means either they eliminated 7 or they hired 7 people and I wasn't one of them.  Plus now they list four full time jobs for all three shifts.  So I just emailed one person in HR and the person I turned my application into asking what is going on and why haven't I heard anything and I still want a job and preferably a full time one.  So hopefully I will hear something Monday!  I need a job and I just really feel like this is where I am supposed to be even though they haven't really moved as quickly as I would like.

This weather!

I love the rain, don't get me wrong but it is so messing with my sinus' and allergies lately and I have yet another headache!  I feel like I may just go to bed early tonight!

I think I should have titled this blog...

life is a headache.  Well mine seems to be one anyway.  Or at least it feels like I keep having them.  *Sigh* but other then that it was a good day!  I have been going to bible study classes since January.  The one that meets on Wednesdays is for women only, well except our pastor who runs it cause well he is a guy.  But anyway I love Wednesdays cause even though I was scared to go at first and the first few weeks I never spoke and argued about what we were talking about in my head I love going now.  I talk and really think about what we are learning.  I think this part of the detour has been good for me.  It's like when you do have a real detour and you end up finding this great restaurant or store and you never would have found it if not for the detour.  If not for David dying I never would have gone to bible study, I would never have really started thinking about my faith and what I believe in.  What matters to me, who I am, who I am going to be because I will never be who I was.  I hope I like who I become, I hope God likes who I become.

Time to start really living.....

Tomorrow it will be 7 months since David's funeral.  I will always love David, nothing can change that.  But I think the time is right for me to start looking towards my future.  I don't know what will happen but I hope I will find love again.  After being half of a couple I can't imagine never having that in my life again.  The ability to be so completely honest with someone and know at the end of the day they still love you despite how much you might piss them off.  Marriage is a give and take and I loved every minute of it.  I loved being a wife and even if I knew then what I know now I would still do it all over again.  I am afraid of getting my heart hurt again, I would be an idiot not to be.  But I am more afraid of closing my heart and never loving another man the way I loved my David.  I would not have wanted him to stay alone if I had died first and I know he wouldn't want it for me.  And yet I sit here sobbing as I type this.  It's like having to let go of him all over again.  I hope I am ready for this and not fooling myself!  But what choice do I have?  I either remain in the past or I move forward with my life.

Yesterday...

So I didn't post a blog yesterday cause it was a busy day for our family.  My youngest niece for confirmed so we had church with the whole family and then in the afternoon her party.  It was a cool day but nice none the less.  So happy for Rachel, she is growing up.  I can't believe she is already 14!  I do wish David had been here for it.  Sometimes his absence is even more apparent for me at family functions.  I just don't feel like I fit it with my family.  They all have these family's and at least in the past I had David and now I have no one.

Sinus', allergies and headaches!

So my sinus' are still driving me crazy, okay crazier then normal!  I woke up with a horrible sinus headache which was inching towards being a migraine.  I think I have it under control, for now anyway.  And my allergies don't seem to want to go away.  It's not so bad I can breath but my nasal passages are swollen so it makes me feel stuffed up even though I'm not.  I wonder what it would feel like to go a whole day without a headache AND without feeling stuffed up?  At this point I doubt I will ever know but a girl can dream!

7 Months

How is it possible that it has been seven months since my David died?  It feels like just yesterday but on the other hand it feels like I haven't seen him in forever.  I miss him so much, my heart hurts all the time because of it.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare.  I want to roll over in bed and see him laying right there beside me and realize this was all really a nightmare and then I swear I am never going to sleep again.  I am so lonely and so unhappy just very very unhappy!  Why did this happen to us?  Why after so much that we went through did he have to die at 42?  He still had a long life to live and so much more to do.  Why?  I need to know why he was taken from me?  What did I do wrong? :*(

It's funny

The closer we get to fall the more excited I am for the new tv seasons to start.  Yet the closer we get to summer the more excited I am for the tv season to come to an end.  I spend far to much of my life watching tv and the sad thing is I cut way down this year and still feel like I spent to much time watching tv.  Luckily during the summer the only mighttime shows I watch that have new episodes are: Army Wives, In Plain Sight and DropDead Diva.  Though I do kinda want to check out the new one on TVLand I keep seeing advertised with Betty White, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves and Wendie Malick called Hot In Cleveland.

And on what I consider not so much a funny note but an interesting one I got a new Bible today!  Well it's actually used but new to me.  It's called The Message and is a contemporary version.  I already owned the New Testament version but this one is the entire Bible, Old and New Testaments!  I am really enjoying reading the Bible this way, it's written in a way that I am understanding things much more then I ever did in the past.  So on this one Pastor Z you get two thumbs up for making the recommendation that I get it.  Your other reading and video recommendations, ummmm yea not so much but it's okay you can keep trying! :->

And here is one of my "life" type quandaries

When it is time to "move" on?  When I laugh there are times I almost feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be wearing black for a year and so deep in mourning that I can't enjoy anything?  And yet there are things said even the day David died that made me laugh.  It's kind of like walking a tight rope, stuck between grief and wanting to be "normal" whatever that is.  And then there is the extra pressure I put on myself, am I moving on to fast or not fast enough?  I couldn't put myself as widow right away on facebook but I finally did.  I took my wedding rings off at 4 months out but even this week I find myself rubbing that finger and feeling like something is missing.  I even changed my status to single on facebook because technically it is what I am.  I am single, not married but not divorced, my marriage did not fail but I am back to being all alone.  Too young to feel like a widow who is okay with being alone til I die and yet can't even believe I have to think about trying to go through the whole dating and getting to know you process all over again.  We were supposed to grow old together damn it!  Once he got his new kidney we were supposed to finally get to live our dreams and not be overwhelmed with worrying about his health.  But instead of us moving forward with our dreams I sit here wondering if I will ever be with another man again.  And I am not just talking sex, I am talking just having one be part of my life.  A man who loves me for me even when I am in uber bitch mode!  One who can handle the fact that all I ever wanted to be was a mom and now have to accept that that ship has sailed.  One who is willing to be with an extremely overweight woman with pretty low self-esteem.  But one who would do anything to make the man she loves happy, one who does love with her whole heart and is willing to forgive over and over again if he does something wrong and hurts her.  He also has to like cats and dogs and be willing to join my church and I am sure there are other things but those are the big ones for me.

I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.  David made me see how much I loved being one half of a couple.  He completed me.  What if he was the only one on the earth who did or would? :-(

On the job front

Still no job but did finally get to talk to the first person who interviewed me and she says I am still being considered for a job or they would have sent me a letter by now telling me otherwise.  It is just so frustrating.  I am qualified and I am confident I could do a good job, I just need them to hire me already!

One of the worst things about getting your time of the month?

It's a constant reminder that your body failed to do what it was made to do.  What makes it even worse for me now is each cycle I know there is absolutely no way I could even remotely be pregnant, unless I am Mary the sequel, and yet when I get my period I am reminded that not only am I not pregnant but my clock is running down faster and faster by the day.  I am reminded that not only have I lost my husband but I have lost the child/ren we had hoped to have and the odds are against me ever getting to be a mom.  And hey let's just rub it in a little bit more by having my period show up two days after Mother's Day. :-(

*Sigh*

So I had applied at a place back in January but for some reason the application stalled.  I noticed they were still hiring at the end of February so I asked and they said I could re-apply.  So I did on March 1.  On March 31 I finally got called in for an interview.  I was brought back in for a second interview on April 5 and even sent on a home visit.  And since then I have heard nothing from them.  Even though I have called them several times over the last few weeks.  I am so frustrated and just want a job, I just really need a job! :-(

Mother's Day for the Childless....

This day has sucked for many many years for me.  In the past though I at least had David to lean on, to offer me the support I needed to get through the day.  This year I am basically on my own.  But not really.  Usually our Church service seems to be all about being a Mom and how great it is, but thankfully our Pastor who did today's service didn't make it all about Mother's Day.  That helped, it helped a lot.  Plus I had two great friends who went to the earlier service who let me know it was safe for me emotionally to go to Church, they "reviewed" it for me and would have let me know if they thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.  Plus I have a wonderful niece who made sure to see me and let me know she loves me.  She is a very special girl who brightens my world everytime I see her or even just think of her!  I also have many friends who have lifted me up today just by letting me know that they know this day is painful for me.  I don't have the life I wanted, not even a tiny bit but I am blessed with the family and friends who are such a huge part of my life.  It made this day all the more bearable for me.

Thank You!

I really hate the weather in Indiana!

It had been fairly warm all week and now today it feels like we are heading back into winter type weather.  I don't like it to hot or to cold, why is it so hard for Indiana to just find a happy medium?  And of course this drop in the temps is making my sinus' act up. :-(

It's been 7 months today since this latest detour began

You know that saying you don't know what you have until it's gone?  I knew what I had, I loved what I had, I appreciated what I had and now that it's gone it makes it hurt that much more.  I can't believe it's been seven months since he was last able to talk to me.  I still don't know how to live without him.  It's amazing that I lived by myself for two years but the minute David entered my life my life became all about him and me as a couple.  We were a unit in the truest sense of the word.  He wasn't just part of my world he was my world.  And in two days it will be Mother's Day, just another reminder of what we never got to have.  What I will never get to have now.  I don't know how to go on without him.  Without the dreams we had.   Why was he taken from me?  Why was I left all alone?

And in what kinda sounds like a pathetic accomplishment

I actually grilled my dinner tonight!  Grilling was always David's job and I didn't even know if I would be able to turn on the grill, but I did.  I made hamburgers (made extra so now all I need to do is nuke the leftovers), did almost burn a couple of them but seriously not bad for my first time using this grill by myself.  Just wish I had thought ahead to make myself some potato salad to go with the burgers.  But I do have some slow churned strawberry ice cream for dessert. :-)

On the list of things David did for me...

That I hate doing for myself: WEEDING!  Sure it doesn't take long but those things hurt when they prick you and he got way more enjoyment out of gardening then I do.  I just want it to look pretty, I don't want to have to do anything to make it look pretty.  Can someone please invite a magical garden that weeds itself and waters itself and the flowers are always in bloom?  Oh yeah they call that a movie set. :-D

Sometimes it is the simple things...

It has never taken much to please me, not really.  For example the other day I dropped off something at church to be put in the weekly newsletter asking for people to join the team I have formed to walk in David's memory and/or to donate money.  I just turned in simple text but one of the secretary's (Annette!) took the time to find a logo for the kidney walk to put in with what I had written.  I just meant a lot to me.  Then this past Sunday one of my Pastor's called me Mrs. Alvarez.  That just warmed my heart because even though I am now officially single a huge part of me still feels married to David and maybe I will always feel that way.

And today I managed to make my mom happy.  She has swollen vocal chords due to acid reflux and she has had to go on a fairly strict diet which includes no dairy.  Well she has started to drink Soy Milk and I was sure someone had to make a soy ice cream.  I found some at the store today and bought her a container.  You would have thought I gave her a million dollars she was so excited to get to have ice cream.

Sometimes it really is just the simple things that can make life so much easier or happier for those around you.

Is it just my Lucy or...

Do all dogs feel the need to put their chew toys on some part of your body to chew on them?  Cause Lucy does it all the time.  Usually my feet.  The other day on my arm and she misjudged and bit me instead of her toy.  Oh yea and a few times she has put them on my boobs and I was like no way!  About the time she misjudged on that one she would have been in so much trouble!!  But tonight she is driving me crazy (okay crazier then normal!) because she is insisting on using my foot as her toy holder and her nails, which I just trimmed the other day, are killing me!  Why?  Why?  Why?

To sleep or not to sleep, that is the question!

The week David was in the hospital I was running on pure adrenaline.  I would spend the day up there with my mom and whoever else all came up to visit.  I would take breaks for lunch and dinner and then spend a few hours of the early evening up there as well.  I would then go home to let Lucy out of her cage to run and play for a few hours.  I would shower and then usually around midnight to 1am I would head back up to the hospital.  I needed those late night hours, they were the only time I got to spend with David by myself.  I loved that so many came to see him or sit with me but I needed that alone time, I guess because even though I hoped he would wake up I knew this was my last chance to be with him by myself.  I would stay for a few hours and then head home to get a couple of hours of sleep before waking up and doing it all over again. 

For weeks/months after he died falling asleep at night wasn't the problem, staying asleep was.  I would wake up one to two hours after falling asleep and not be able to get back  to sleep and then when I did fall asleep again I would again wake up one to two hours later.  I was physically just exhausted but my body would not let me sleep, not the way it needed.

Then I went through a phase where I couldn't fall asleep because my mind wouldn't shut off.  So I had to start taking sleeping pills.  They seemed to help but then the nightmares started.  So I would wake up anyway often in tears.  Sometimes I could remember the nightmares, sometimes I couldn't.  That last maybe for two months.

Now for the last month or two I often have trouble falling asleep but not as bad as before but all I want to do is sleep.  Lucy finally doesn't wake up at the crack of dawn so most mornings we don't get out of bed until well after 10am and then if I have nothing else going on I may stay awake long enough to eat some lunch and then Lucy and I go back to bed and take a nap.

I just wish my body would stabilize and allow me to sleep like a normal person. :-(

Fort Wayne Kidney Walk 2010

So on Sunday I had asked them to put a note in my church's news and notes about this years Kidney Walk.  I have formed a team to walk in memory of my David.  I also asked for donations.  Tonight I went to the Ladies Society spring party and while I was there one of the ladies gave me a donation and the Elders who were having a meeting downstairs took up a collection and they alone gave me $55.  The generosity of the people in my church just always reaches my heart and reminds me time and time again why I am so glad we had moved back here and were back at my church.  I love my church and do thank God every day for it and the people who not only belong but run it.  So much love, it just really warms the heart.

No two snowflakes are alike

That is what I almost named this blog.  Because the journey through grief for each person is just like snowflakes, no two are alike.  Sure what I am thinking and feeling may be similar to what someone else who is grieving the loss of their loved one thinks or feels but because we are all unique human beings we can never truly share the same feelings, the same emotions.  But then I decided that if I named it based on my journey through grief than that is what this blog would only be about.  So I decided to go with something more encompassing of my life and it's twists and turns.  So while I will definitely be dealing with my grief over losing my David I hope also to be able to share joy on here as well.

My life working in Los Angeles

By special request we will go back in time right now so I can talk about my days working in the "industry" and all of that stuff.

I mentioned I moved to Los Angeles to do an internship at The Young and the Restless.  I had also interviewed in New York for internships on Another World and All My Children.  When Y&R offered me the internship I knew it was the one I wanted.  Not only are they the number one rated soap opera but also living in California would be cheaper then living in New York.  Okay not by much but cheaper is cheaper.  Plus there was the whole idea of it being sunny and not having to deal with snow plus beaches and just so many celebs.  Now my mom and I drove to Los Angeles so I could take the stuff I would need to live there for at least 10 weeks since that is how long the internship was for.  After she left though I was so completely homesick is was disgusting.  I just wanted to go home!  However that Monday I get to the studio and it was everything I hoped it would be and more.  An intern is mostly grunt work but I loved every minute of it.  Meeting the actors, watching them tape the scenes, getting to sit in the booth and watch the director work.  It was just magical to me.  By and large the actors on the show were just great.  The only one I can honestly say I dislike with a passion is Eric Braeden.  He is a pompous jerk!

But I did have my favorites and they were/are Michelle Stafford, Peter Bergman, Jeanne Cooper, J. Eddie Peck and Eddie Cibrian.  They were all very sweet and would just spend time talking to me and making me feel so welcome there.  When Peter Bergman heard about a problem I had with Eric Braeden he had me sit down in his dressing room and he told me about the time he and Eric got into it.  He wanted me to know that Eric does this to lots of people, not just interns.  How nice is that?  For an actor to take the time to make an intern feel better.

While I was doing my internship an Associate Producer saw me working and asked if I would be interested in a  job on a new primetime comedy she was going to be working on.  She had me come in for an interview and hired me to start immediately after I was done with the internship.  Matter of fact there was a small glitch with when I would start.  I had one week left on my internship and that was the week she wanted me to start at her show.  Well I only worked two days a week on the internship, mondays and thursdays.  Well the AP called my boss at Y&R and they worked out a deal, I did my internship on monday and tuesday that week and on wednesday I started my new job on a show called Local Heroes.

Local Heroes was only ordered to make 6 episodes and only one actually aired, it was that bad.  I learned a lot and the big thing was I wanted to go back to working on soap operas.  I felt they wasted so much time on the comedy.  It took one week for them to make one half hour episode, while on a soap opera they tape an episode a day.

After Local Heroes I ended up working at Universal Studios, in the theme park, and that is where I met my David.  After we were married and because of something else that had happened, which I will probably save for another post, I quit working there.  Next up was working on Sunset Beach.  I loved it, back on a soap opera and best of all one of the producers was from Y&R and one of the actors was Eddie Cibrian so I already knew two people when I got there.  Sadly though it was canceled just over a year after I started there, but it was great while it lasted.  Then I had interviewed at ABC to work on General Hospital but sadly that was when Disney bought ABC and they put a hiring freeze.  I would have loved working on GH since I have watched it off and on for years!

Not much longer after that we decided to move back to my hometown and see if David would like living in a small town in the midwest as opposed to a big city like Los Angeles.  And thus ended my life of working in the tv industry.  I may not have gone as far as I wanted but at least I can always say I did do it, I did get to live out that dream.  Even if it didn't go as far as I hoped!