And here is one of my "life" type quandaries

When it is time to "move" on?  When I laugh there are times I almost feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be wearing black for a year and so deep in mourning that I can't enjoy anything?  And yet there are things said even the day David died that made me laugh.  It's kind of like walking a tight rope, stuck between grief and wanting to be "normal" whatever that is.  And then there is the extra pressure I put on myself, am I moving on to fast or not fast enough?  I couldn't put myself as widow right away on facebook but I finally did.  I took my wedding rings off at 4 months out but even this week I find myself rubbing that finger and feeling like something is missing.  I even changed my status to single on facebook because technically it is what I am.  I am single, not married but not divorced, my marriage did not fail but I am back to being all alone.  Too young to feel like a widow who is okay with being alone til I die and yet can't even believe I have to think about trying to go through the whole dating and getting to know you process all over again.  We were supposed to grow old together damn it!  Once he got his new kidney we were supposed to finally get to live our dreams and not be overwhelmed with worrying about his health.  But instead of us moving forward with our dreams I sit here wondering if I will ever be with another man again.  And I am not just talking sex, I am talking just having one be part of my life.  A man who loves me for me even when I am in uber bitch mode!  One who can handle the fact that all I ever wanted to be was a mom and now have to accept that that ship has sailed.  One who is willing to be with an extremely overweight woman with pretty low self-esteem.  But one who would do anything to make the man she loves happy, one who does love with her whole heart and is willing to forgive over and over again if he does something wrong and hurts her.  He also has to like cats and dogs and be willing to join my church and I am sure there are other things but those are the big ones for me.

I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.  David made me see how much I loved being one half of a couple.  He completed me.  What if he was the only one on the earth who did or would? :-(