I hate being the youngest child.  I hate being a widow.  I hate that David and I never had any children together.  I hate being alone. =(

It feels like the only entries I make on here lately are about me being sick and/or crying.  I have had sinus and sore throat issues for over a week now.  And the thing is I have been feeling better.  But tonight when I stood up to go to the bathroom the room started spinning and then I felt like I was going to get sick.  I know it's cause my right ear is still bugging me but as I lay there on the bed all I could do was burst into tears.  It's moments like these that just make me so acutely aware of how much I miss David.  There isn't anything he could do but hold me and that is just what I need right now the most.  And it's like I just get filled with this overwhelming realization that he is gone, that I will never see him again.  How can he be dead?  He isn't supposed to be dead!  He got his kidney, things were supposed to be okay for us cause he got that damned kidney.  But what good did it do?  He died anyway.  I want to wake up and find him sitting in his chair.  I want this all to have been some strange dream/nightmare.  Some parts of the last two years have been very good.  My friends are the best you could ever hope for.  I love my family.  And I have a job I really enjoy even when I don't lol.  But without David it all still is just really empty.  I need him, I just really need him.

I hate emotional days.  They don't happen as often but when they do, ugh!  I have been sick off and on for over a week now.  And today just did me in.  I have a slight migraine, it is that time of the month and all I want to do is cry.  Even work which is normally my happy place let me down today.  I felt not happy at all there and hate that I felt that way at all.  And I just miss David. =(

I think coming to the end of the two year mark has been a very positive thing for me.  I m feeling stronger, more in tune with who I am and what I want in my life.  Do I still get sad and weepy?  Sure but I understand it and deal with it.  It is a normal part of the grieving process.  A part of me will always grieve losing David way to early in life.  But I see now that had I not lost him I would still be in that comfort zone I had created.  I am doing more and loving it.  I also see now not to let what others think or feel about me bother me like it used to.  If they don't like me for who I am that is there problem, not mine.  I am not going to allow others to make me feel like my thoughts and feelings don't matter.  I am going to stand up for myself.  This doesn't mean I am going to be a bitch (hey no laughing I only embrace my inner bitch when absolutely necessary!) but it also doesn't mean I am going to turn a blind eye when someone says or does something that hurts me and makes me feel like I don't matter.  I am definitely ready for the next chapter of my life!

I find that I have a lot of time to think, I always did but now I have even more time.  I see people here, there it seems everywhere talking about how giving people a hand out helps no one.  That these "people" will never do better for themself if they don't have to do it.  That people on any type of welfare just want to abuse the system.  And I know there are some who do abuse the system.  There will always be people who take a good thing and abuse it.  Most drugs that are illegal were probably made with the best of intentions but then someone found a way to abuse them and hurt the good people who wanted to use them for the right reasons.  When you buy cold medicine or spray paint or whatever you now have to be over 18 because people have abused them.  Things meant for one thing but then someone who is to smart for their own good finds a way to make them into something bad.  This is life, this is free will.  This is each person having to decide which path to follow, the right one or the wrong one.  But because someone abuses cold medicine should we get rid of it altogether?  No!  So because some abuse welfare should we get rid of it altogether?  No!

I was raised Lutheran.  I went to a Lutheran grade school.  Was baptized when I was a month old.  I was confirmed when I was 14.  I have always been a member of the Lutheran church, whether here in Indiana or when I lived in California.  Until two years ago though I was not as what is the word I am looking for....  I was a lutheran but not a Lutheran?  I believe in God, always have and I have more or less tried to live my life as a Christian.  I am not perfect, never have been and never will be.  But I have never set out to deliberately hurt anyone or to go against God and everything he has taught me about living a Christian life.  It was just always there, a part of me.  But I don't think I ever really thought about it.  Not deep down in my soul thought about it.  But then David died and my life turned upside down.  How could God let this happen?  Why did we go through everything we went through just to have this happen now?  And there are times I still have those questions in my head.  But I do now believe God didn't allow David to die to punish me.  I did nothing bad enough to deserve that kind of punishment.  And God loves me even when it doesn't feel like it.  So because of everything I went through two years ago I am who I am now.  I am much closer to God now.  I am much more knowledgeable of my not just religion but my faith.  What it is and what it means to me and who I am because of it.

So when I hear people saying that others shouldn't be given handouts or that socialism is a bad thing I think but what did Jesus do?  What does Jesus believe in?  It's not giving a hand out, it's giving people a help getting a step up.  I watch GMC a lot and they have these promo's called "Uplift Someone" and it is something I truly believe in.  Something as simple as a smile or a kind word can change a persons day.  Helping someone put food on the table to get a job or pay for a sick loved one or their husbands funeral can change a person forever.  I always thought I was a decent person.  But now I try even harder.  When I am at work my main goal is to have the customer leave happy.  I want to take what can be a bad or frustrating situation and have them leave thinking that wasn't so bad.  I know someone making a return isn't going to make or break that person.  But if I can make one person leave happy who came in upset or prepared to leave unhappy then I have done my job.  Maybe by me making them happy then they will turn make someone else happy.  And this will just keep spreading.  Maybe by helping one person who has hit rock bottom pull themselves out of the hole they find themselves in they will some day be able to turn around and help someone else.  Kindness begets kindness.  Just because you have never had to ask for help doesn't mean help should not be given.  And it should be given freely and with a loving heart.  And if you are putting down people who need help, look into your heart and ask why you feel this way?  Has no one ever at any time in your life helped you in any way?  If so you are so lucky!!  I have been on the end of needing help.  More then I ever thought I would be.  And I am glad I have because I feel it has made me an even more compassionate person.  I don't look at people on welfare and see deadbeats.  I look at people on welfare who are so down on their luck and just need a hand to cling to for life support.  Who need to know that there are people in this world who care.  Who want to lend them a hand for no other reason then they just do.  Or they are lending this hand because they have been there and done that.  I want to do it because it is what Jesus would do.  I don't understand how one can say they are a Christian but are against helping people.  It just makes no sense to me and I doubt it ever will.

Do you ever think about the saying "the more things change the more they stay the same" because I have been.  I have been watching the Walton's on both GMC and the Hallmark channel.  The other day one of the episodes was about Hitler and what he was doing in Germany.  One of the characters talked about how her husband had been German and after the war had to hide that fact because people in America didn't like or trust Germans.  My ancestry is half German so it just blew my mind that he had to hide that in order to live in this country.  But then I thought of how those of Japanese decent were treated after Pearl Harbor was attacked.  How Muslims are now treated because of 9/11.  And so on.  For a country that prides itself as having so many freedoms it sure can be narrowminded can't it?  And I know this probably happens in every country, we judge others.  It's human nature.  I just wish we didn't jump to the whole guilt by association thing.  I wish we would learn from the past mistakes we as a nation have made.  None of this they did this pointing the finger thing, rise above it.  Do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do not because you may or may not get something out of it.  Treat people like you want to be treated.  How hard is that?  And sadly I know it probably won't happen in my lifetime.  Heck we can't even get the two major political parties to try and meet halfway so why should anyone else?  But a girl can dream, can't she?

I would like to get off of this rollercoaster please?  I want to stop being happy/okay for a while and then bam all I can do is cry.  I don't want to miss David this damn much!!  I want his ass back here where it belongs!!  There are moments when I wish I could go back and have taken a different path in life.  Where I never met David and had just always remained single because then I would not have this enormous hole in my heart in my life.  I would not know what I was missing.  Whoever reads this please do not take any of the following personally as it is not aimed at any one person but at life in general.  Please do not tell me to remember the good times because it hurts to much.  Do not tell me he will always be with me because he isn't.  He just isn't!!  Do not tell me at least you have your mother or your family or your friends because as great as they are they are not my David.  He was my best friend, my husband the one person who got me and accepted me for who I was and knew when I was cranky or whatever not to take it personally.  He knew my moods better then I did.  He could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was die.  Do not tell me at least I had 12 years with him because 12 years is not nearly enough.  Not after we had to work so hard to keep him alive for the bulk of it anyway.  Don't tell me things will get better or I will find love again or maybe even have the children I still so desperately long for because we have no way of knowing if any of that will come true.  For all we know I will now grow old alone and become the crazy widow lady with more pets then are legally allowed.  For all we know I will die all alone and no one will even realize I am gone until days or weeks later.  Please do not tell me my pets are my children, especially if you have a child/ren of your own.  Because while I love my pets like they are my own it isn't the same and you damn well know it isn't the same.  I will never get to feel a child growing inside me.  I will never see my child take his or her first step or say they first word or go off to school or anything like that.  I most likely eventually have to put my pets to sleep, I have done it three times already in the last 5 years.  Will you have to do that with your child?  I hope none of you ever has to decide to take your spouse off of life support, it is the worst thing in the entire world and a decision that will haunt me until the day I die.  The logical side of me says it was the right decision but the emotional side of me still screams that I made the wrong choice.

I am lonely and tired and emotional and struggling to just keep my head above water.  Second guessing every decision I have made.  I don't want to be bitter.  I want to be happy and thankful for what I do have but there is that voice that keeps saying without David how can I ever truly be happy again?  How can I ever truly be thankful for what I do have when I have to have it without him.  This pain is unbearable and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, not that I have any enemies but you know what I mean.

I wish this blog could be funny and upbeat or quirky and make people laugh.  But instead it is sad and depressing, just like me.

My profound thought of the day.  When we see our shadow is it really a shadow of our body, or is it God walking/standing beside us?

Does anyone watch the show "In Plain Sight?"  I used to wonder what it would be like to go into "the program" as they call it.  This show definitely shows me how hard it would be.  I just watched a repeat of an episode where they wanted an Amish woman to go into hiding, change her whole life.  In the end she went back home.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to try and change myself so drastically.  And yet as I type that I think of how I have changed since David's death.  No where near leaving an Amish community to become not-Amish for lack of a better term.  But I have been changed and I don't get to go back because without David there is no going back to what was.  I would if I could, believe me.  But better I would prefer to put the two lives together, have David plus the job, going back to school plus everything else.  I want the best of both worlds.  Who doesn't?  And yet I know it can never be.

There are still days when all I want to do is cry.  Today is one of those days.  I just miss David so much.  I know I have said it and that I keep saying it but it's what I feel.  I miss him and I just want him back!! =(

Things I learned at work this week.  Now keep in mind I work with returns primarily and honestly sometimes I think our return policy is wayyyyy to liberal.  There is such a thing as normal wear and tear with continued use.  People return shoes all the time say "I just bought them and they wore out already."  Well when you wear your shoes daily and do a lot of walking in them guess what?  They wear out!  We had two pairs of kids sandals (boys) that were returned yesterday and just from the smell of them you knew they wore them a lot.  Like I could smell them even after I boxed them up to be shipped back.

So anyway one of the things I learned last night was that if you mow the grass your shoes can turn green.  Did you know that?  I guess I didn't know this was something we needed to teach people.  I know I use an old pair of shoes when I mow the grass cause I know they will get stained.  But apparently not everyone comes equipped with that knowledge because a pair of shoes was indeed returned because a guy bought them proceeded to wear them when cutting his grass and you guessed it they turned green.  We took them back, it's our policy and on the damaged slip with have to write a reason and sometimes we do get snarky.  I hope whoever did the return wrote that the guy was an idiot who should have known better!

Second thing I learned deals with our price tag printer.  It stopped working today.  Quite often people return items without the price tag on it anymore.  Usually when given as gifts.  It happens we make new ones, no big deal.  However when you click f18 and no tag is printed it becomes a big deal.  We can't put the product back out if there is no price on it so the return desk begins to overflow with returns just waiting to be put back out for sale so someone else can buy it and love it forever and ever well until they wear them while mowing the grass.  So first one of our managers tries to fix it but no go so he goes off to find some directions.  And sadly the only info he could find online was don't use a box cutter to clean it as it could cause hundreds of dollars in damage.  Who knew, but now we do!  So then our admin asst took a crack at it.  She even called the help desk and all but tore the machine apart.  Finally found the problem after at least an hour of her working on it.  Did you know if something comes unplugged it won't work the way it's supposed to?  Well we know that now lol!  And the problem is once plugged back in it needed to be rebooted but once that happened we were good to go.

So the three things we have learned in the last two days is don't mow the grass with new shoes because they will turn green.  Don't use a box cutter to clean the price tag machine or you could damage it.  And finally if somethings comes unplugged it will not work like it's supposed to.

That's the great thing about working at Kohl's, you learn something new every day! =)

So let's recap this week, shall we?

I finally get approved for financial aid.  I met with someone in the education department and am now registered for two classes for the fall semester.  One of them is children's lit and one of the books is Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Stone, which hello I totally love Harry Potter so I saw that as a great sign.  Oh and another of the books is Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore and I so made for each other.

Heard from the insurance adjuster and I should have my check sometime next week for the stuff I lost when my basement flooded in May.  I am using part of it to finally by David his tombstone!

I got to work last night and found out I was chosen as one of the two "superstars" for the month of June.  Basically an employee of the month kind of thing.  I get to pick either a polo shirt, blanket or messenger bag (I went with the polo shirt cause I can wear it to work) and a $25 bonus will be in one of my next paychecks.

Not to shabby of a week!  Well until I woke up this morning with a cough drop stuck in my hair!  Luckily it washed right out.  It could have been worse, it could have been gum!  I am so not letting that cough drop incident get to me, to good of a week for one little thing to set me back! ;-)

It's been awhile since I updated this.  I feel like I don't know where I am going.  It's like I am torn between loving David and knowing I need to move forward with my life.  I just miss him so much, more then should be allowed.  And I am lonely, I miss that companionship.  I miss laying in bed with my head on his chest and his arms around me.  I miss feeling safe and secure even when life well was scarey and unsure.  I have decisions I need to make and I wish he was here for me to get his opinion.  I am pretty sure I know what he would say but I still just want to hear him say it.

Basically I have finally been told I will be able to get financial aid for the fall semester at IPFW.  I don't know how much at this point though.  So I am torn between trying to stay working in the school system or finally biting the bullet and going back to school.  I need to make sure I can afford to do the school thing.  I need to know I will be able to pay my bills.  It's just all so scarey!

How do you deal with someone who hates the mere sight of you?  One of my coworkers and I used to get along great.  I really liked her.  I made a mistake.  I tried to apologize for it.  I meant no harm by what happened, it was an innocent error on my part.  I tried that very day to make things right.  Then we didn't see each other for two (Christmas break) and I hoped when we returned things would be back to normal.  But they weren't.  She didn't say to my face I wasn't to talk to her but she did say under her breath as she walked by me that she didn't want me talking to her.  I have respected that.  However here it is over 4 months later and she continues to make passive aggressive moves around me.  I am so tense working around her and just am counting the days until I no longer have to.  But until then the tension headaches are getting worse and my heart is just hurting so much.  What can you do when you have tried to make amends and it does no good? =(

So I have a couple of things to talk about but really I think in the end they tie together.  I use this app on facebook called Message from God.  This app gives you a daily random "message from God."  There are so many times that the message I receive truly applies to what I am thinking or feeling or going through on that day or during that times period.  On Friday the message I received was:

On this day, God wants you to know

... that your pilgrimage to God is your pilgrimage to yourself. It's never too late to start, and it's never too soon to take one more step on your pilgrimage.

I feel like when David died I was put on this pilgrimage whether I wanted to be on it or not.  It has been a time of change and growth and growing closer to God.  Which is all good I think.  Part of that growth is being able to take a compliment and believe it is true.  In the past because of how little I thought of myself whenever anyone complimented me I shrugged it off because I didn't really believed it to be true.  In the past week I have been complimented on a variety of things and each time I took them to heart and believed them to be true.  Last Sunday one person said she loved my hair and how I was wearing it.  Another said my glasses really complimented my face.  Then on Thursday a friend commented on how much weight I had lost and how good I was looking.  Yesterday I had a customer tell me how fast I am at my job and how friendly I am and that I am a blessing.  Each of these things just warmed my heart and made me see just how much I have grown as a person in the past 18 months.  And for that I am eternally grateful!

So this weather change has caused my sinus' to flare up.  Small headache from it but nothing major, just enough to give me discomfort.  Oh and my arthritis is acting up, and it sucks having that to remind me I am getting old.  Blech!  So I was doing some writing tonight.  It's good but not always cause it gets my emotions worked up and when you already have a mild headache crying just makes it a little worse.  Oh and Lucy has decided she likes wine.  I poured myself a glass hoping it will help me fall asleep.  I look over and see the silly dog drinking out of my glass and when I pushed her away she just sat there staring at it.  And now she is watching New Moon.  Silly puppy!

I am definitely feeling better!  My appetite is back, which is both good and bad if you know what I mean. ;-) And what I eat is no longer immediately coming back out.  Yay!!  And I have finally taken down the rest of my Christmas decorations inside.  Yes yes I know, it's been almost three months since Christmas.  Hey I took my tree down right away and it isn't like I turned on the lights on my mantle or anything.  Geez!  But the decorations that had remained on my mantle and entertainment center have finally been put away.  I figured since the first day of spring had officially come it was beyond time to get this chore over with.  And yes I still have the lights hanging up outside but I will need one of my nephews to deal with that for me and again it isn't like I even have them plugged in or anything.  Well time to get ready to head to work.

So Monday night, really late, I got sick.  Nausea and diarrhea, kept me up most of the night.  So I call in sick to work.  All day Tuesday I keep dealing with this and again throughout the night Tuesday night.  So I call in sick for work on Wednesday.  By the time I went to bed Wednesday (after spending the bulk of the day in bed) I felt like maybe things were turning around.  I actually slept like 7 straight hours without having to run to the bathroom.  So I decide to go into work.  Big mistake.  Just in the first hour at work I had to run to the bathroom four times.  Plus I kept getting really light headed.  You don't think barely eating and then not keeping that food in your system longer then 15 minutes had anything to do with the light headedness?  Yea I can be an idiot.  So I left work early and my mom convinced me it was time to give in and go to the doctor.  I have a stomach virus, which he said is going around big time.  Lucky me (roll eyes) and he put me on two prescriptions.  So I called in sick to work at Kohl's tonight and already for Meadowbrook tomorrow.  And hopefully these pills will kick in soon cause I really can't stand being sick like this.  While I was at the store getting my prescription filled I picked up my trial pair of contacts my doctor had ordered for me.  I managed to wear them all of three hours before the headache got so bad it started making me nauseous and I was already dealing with that from the stomach virus.  So out came on the contacts and back with the glasses.  The headache so isn't worth wearing contacts.  So when I go back in I will tell the doctor we need to try something else.

On the positive side I managed to lose over 5 pounds this week, not eating and getting it back out almost as soon as it came in clearly works.  And because I now have insurance through Kohl's I only had to pay fifteen dollars for my doctors visit and I saved an additional five dollars on my prescription!  Thank you Kohl's!!

I feel like whether I am married or a widow my life is pretty boring.  Which I guess could and is a good thing?  Oh sure happy excitement is always good but bad excitement is bad so I will take boring over bad stuff any day of the week.  And basically right now I just feel like I am in a holding pattern.  I go to work or church or do things with my friends and that is it.  I feel like there is nothing meaningful happening in my life.  At least with David I had him to take care of and try and keep healthy and I think that gave me purpose.  But now, I don't know.  I don't even know what I am looking for anymore, but I hope when it finds me I know it.

It's interesting how things you do as a teenager can be remembered by an adult even long after you have forgotten it.  I went to a funeral viewing today of some friends of mines father.  One of the women there is the mother of yet another friend of mine from years ago when we went to school together.  She remembered who I was and how I had made a wrestling scrapbook for him my senior year, his junior year.  I was a wrestlerette, kind of like a cheerleader/manager for the wrestling team.  There was a whole group of us who did it.  Each of us was assigned a varsity wrestler who we basically were in charge of.  We would decorate their lockers on the day of wrestling matches and then at the end of the season we made them a scrapbook to remember the season by.  She could still remember the scrapbook I had made and that was 24 years ago.  I had completely forgotten all about it but she said I did such a good job with it that she will never forget it.  Things like that really mean so much to me.  To know I made an impression like that as an 18 year old who was struggling just to make it through high school.  It helps me realize I had and still have more potential then I gave/give myself credit for.  It was a nice reminder for me to look at the positive today, instead of worrying about all the things I do wrong.

By and large I really don't cry very much anymore about losing David.  But there are times, like now, when I am just overwhelmed with emotion and the ache of not having him here with me anymore.  My life is okay, I guess.  I'm working and have plans for the future and I have great friends.  And my faith is as strong as it has ever been.  But the day to day stuff you have to deal with, like allergies or sinus problems or shoveling out from a storm or something breaking in the house or just having to deal with a co-worker who is currently intent on making you feel like crap or a bout of insomnia or even just simple boredom.  Those are the times when I can feel that huge empty space in my life.  Those are the times when the ache in my heart is almost to much to handle and when the tears start and don't seem to want to stop.  It's when you can be in a room full of people and feel so utterly alone.  It will be 16 months soon since he took his last breath and I can't believe that much time has passed already.  I know I am a much stronger person now then I was then.  I know I can handle almost anything that comes my way now but I still miss him and need him in my life.  And I am really tired of crying over something that can't be changed no matter how much I wish it could.

January 14, 2011

It's been 15 months since David took his last breath.  And today our cat Bailey joins him in heaven.  Bailey was our first cat, he was my little snuggle buddy.  And he had such a strange sense of humor.  One night he found these ketchup packets David had left on his end table.  David and I were asleep when Bailey found them.  Bailey brought one at a time into our bedroom, he jumped up on the bed.  Climbed on David's chest, patted David on the head to wake him up and would then drop the packet on David's chest.  He did this six times until all of them had been moved from the living room to the bedroom.  Guess he was trying to tell David he forgot to put them away.

I'm sick, I have been since Wednesday.  We had a snow day on Wednesday and I called in sick yesterday and today.  It's my sinus' again.  I feel like crap and now I deal with the emotions of putting another pet to sleep.  I miss him so much already.  And it makes me miss David even more.  I need him here to comfort me.  I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm sad.

Goodbye my Bailey, Mommy loves you!!