Ever just feel suddenly overwhelmed for no apparent reason?  Out of the blue?  I just had that feeling come over me.  I think it might have been a panic attack trying to start but I caught it and stopped it before it could get going full steam.  I think right now too much is happening too fast. Two jobs, several volunteer things.  Trying to do things with friends and church and going back to school next fall.  I just feel like I am losing myself or something.  Like I am so different now from who I was that at times it feels unnatural?  I don't know I am sure it's all in my head.

I am just physically tired.  I feel like I am doing to much but then I feel like I am not doing enough.  The whole theory that if I keep busy I won't miss David as much or whatever.  Problem with that is when I keep to busy it wears me down physically.  And when I am worn out physically it tends to make me more emotional then ever.  Yet when I am not busy I have to much time to think.  So basically damned if I do and damned if I don't kind of thing.

So I was supposed to have my orientation at Kohl's today, right?  Yea well guess there was a mix-up and a half hour into orientation the one manager asked if I minded coming back and doing it on Wednesday night.  I want to keep them happy so sure no problem.  Then one of the women from Kohl's called me tonight and asked if I minded pushing it back a whole week to next Wednesday.  Sure no problem.  Glad I have another job so I am not counting on this paycheck from Kohl's but it's good.  I just want to get started!

What a week!  I got the job at Kohl's that I had interviewed for.  It is only seasonal to start but has the potential of lasting after if I prove myself to be a good employee, which I will!  My computer crashed and I had to completely restore it back to factory whatever.  Still have no audio but that is the least of my worries.  Found out I have been accepted to go back to college, where I am going to major in elementary education.  And I now feel guilty for having such a good week and feeling so happy.  I know David has been gone a year.  And I know he would want me to be happy and get on with my life.  But I feel like it is still to soon to feel the happiness I felt this past week.  Like by feeling that happiness it's as if I am saying I don't miss David as much as I do or our life together didn't mean as much as it did.  It's just a weird set of emotions to deal with and no one should ever have to deal with them.  But we do, everyday young widows and widowers have to get on with their lives without the love of their lives.  We get up and go about living even though there is a part of us inside still that feels dead and lost without our spouses.  It sucks really that our happiness is now so connected with our sadness.  It's a new kind of marriage really and not a good one at all but it is our new reality, our new normal.

Well I made it through the year of firsts.  Of course I was fairly numb for most of it.  And I have been warned the second year can actually be worse then the first was.  Whatever.  And I'm not saying that because I don't care, I do and probably way to much.  But I just can't worry about it or think about it to much or I will drive myself even further insane then I already am.  It's going to be what it's going to be.  Part of my problem is I build things up to much in my head so maybe if I try not to think about it, try not to worry about it before it happens.  Just go with the flow.  If I am sad I will be sad, if I am happy I will be happy, if I am mad or upset I will be mad or upset.  I don't know where my life is going, maybe it will end up sucking even more then it already has.  Or maybe some or all of my hopes and dreams will come true, I have no clue and I know now whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I have very little control over it.  I don't know, guess I am feeling mellow or something tonight or just going with the flow of it kind of thing.

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1.02.28

So I have had a headache for four days now.  I know it has more to do with what was happening a year ago at this time then anything else.  The strange dreams I was having last night probably the same thing.  One of my dreams was that David and I were fighting and someone said we should do marriage counseling.  If only that were reality.  I would take us mad at each other and fighting every day to this.  But it isn't my reality.  My reality is that my husband has been dead for almost a year now.  I have done better then I thought I would but knowing that doesn't make this any easier.  It doesn't make the ache in my heart any smaller.  It doesn't make me feel any less alone at night.  But it is my reality and I am dealing with it the best I can.  It includes happy days and really sad days and everything in between.  This new reality sucks just an FYI.  I hope it won't always.  I sincerely hope there is another man out there who will love me for who I am, the way I look and everything else.  I miss being half of a couple.

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1.02.28

My last full day with David

52 weeks ago on Tuesday Oct 6 I spent my last full day with my David.  In the morning he went to a meeting at a vocational rehab place while I went to work out at Curves.  He came home all excited because he had been given a list of names to call for job interviews.  He was finally going to be able to go back to work!  That night I decided to surprise him by taking him to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D.  He was such a big kid!  On the way home he thanked me for taking him.  I was still waiting to ovulate so we got home and we made love.  It was such a nice normal happy day.  I wish I could remember it without crying but I know I will never be allowed to have another day like that with my David so it makes that memory so sad for me instead of happy. =(

And crash!

I just miss him, it's been almost a year!  It shouldn't still hurt this much.  Time does not heal all wounds, it's a load of crap.  How do I live years and years with this pain?  Why do I have to?  We didn't have nearly enough time together!  Why did I have to lose my husband?  Why?!

I miss him

It is coming up on a year since I lost David and I miss him as much today as I did the day he died.  I keep reliving those last weeks in my mind wishing I could some how change it all and he would magically still be here with me.  Decided to take my contacts out last night in preparation for the tears to come because they have already been coming the last few nights.  I'm just really lonely.  No matter how busy I am with church and friends and family at the end of the day I still go to sleep alone.  I miss my husband, even the annoying things he used to do I miss and would take back in a heartbeat.