Today would have been my 13th Anniversary

13 years ago we got married.  We thought we would live to see our 50th anniversary at least.  Why was our lives together cut so short?  Why did we have to deal with so much during that short time?  I know, these are questions I will never get answered but damn it I want to know!  I miss him so much, my heart is still so broken without him.

So

I have kind of been in what I call a funk this week.  Hearing finally from Bethesda and not in the way I wanted/needed pushed me pretty close to the edge so to speak.  When you don't have much going on in your life and you really need a job and the interviews went so well, well it is really frustrating to have to wait about 6 weeks just to get a form letter.  Plus this coming Monday would have been our 13 anniversary so I guess that combined with other things just really put me in a funk.  I have been given potentially good news but not gonna blog about it until it goes one way or the other.

Another one of those weeks

So didn't get the job I wanted.  My anniversary is on Memorial day.  My body is gearing up to ovulate.  It is hotter then hell, okay maybe not hell but it is seriously hot.  And I am just emotionally and physically burned out right now.  I really wish I could fall asleep and wake up and realize this was all some seriously bad nightmare. =\

Bethesda

So got a letter in the mail dated Friday May 21.  They apparently can't go further with my application.  Once again no reason given.  So sick and tired and frustrated with life!

Ever have one of those days?

Or maybe I should say one of those lives?  Technically nothing happened one way or the other today.  Yet here I sit crying and so sad and alone and feeling like life sucks and it will just never get any better.  I am so tired and scared and just sick of trying and feeling like I am not getting to where I want to be.  That I will never get to have any of my dreams come true.  The day David went into the hospital my world ended and I just feel like I will never get to be happy again, truly happy.  I just am feeling so lost and alone and just want to be with David because even at it's worse as long as I was with David everything was okay and now that he is gone how can it ever be okay again?  I miss him so much, it's unbearable.  I would never wish this feeling on my worst enemy because it is just all consuming.  I don't know what to do.

Hmmmmm

So I just checked Bethesda's website and now instead of 13 part time jobs they only list 6 part time jobs.  Which means either they eliminated 7 or they hired 7 people and I wasn't one of them.  Plus now they list four full time jobs for all three shifts.  So I just emailed one person in HR and the person I turned my application into asking what is going on and why haven't I heard anything and I still want a job and preferably a full time one.  So hopefully I will hear something Monday!  I need a job and I just really feel like this is where I am supposed to be even though they haven't really moved as quickly as I would like.

This weather!

I love the rain, don't get me wrong but it is so messing with my sinus' and allergies lately and I have yet another headache!  I feel like I may just go to bed early tonight!

I think I should have titled this blog...

life is a headache.  Well mine seems to be one anyway.  Or at least it feels like I keep having them.  *Sigh* but other then that it was a good day!  I have been going to bible study classes since January.  The one that meets on Wednesdays is for women only, well except our pastor who runs it cause well he is a guy.  But anyway I love Wednesdays cause even though I was scared to go at first and the first few weeks I never spoke and argued about what we were talking about in my head I love going now.  I talk and really think about what we are learning.  I think this part of the detour has been good for me.  It's like when you do have a real detour and you end up finding this great restaurant or store and you never would have found it if not for the detour.  If not for David dying I never would have gone to bible study, I would never have really started thinking about my faith and what I believe in.  What matters to me, who I am, who I am going to be because I will never be who I was.  I hope I like who I become, I hope God likes who I become.

Time to start really living.....

Tomorrow it will be 7 months since David's funeral.  I will always love David, nothing can change that.  But I think the time is right for me to start looking towards my future.  I don't know what will happen but I hope I will find love again.  After being half of a couple I can't imagine never having that in my life again.  The ability to be so completely honest with someone and know at the end of the day they still love you despite how much you might piss them off.  Marriage is a give and take and I loved every minute of it.  I loved being a wife and even if I knew then what I know now I would still do it all over again.  I am afraid of getting my heart hurt again, I would be an idiot not to be.  But I am more afraid of closing my heart and never loving another man the way I loved my David.  I would not have wanted him to stay alone if I had died first and I know he wouldn't want it for me.  And yet I sit here sobbing as I type this.  It's like having to let go of him all over again.  I hope I am ready for this and not fooling myself!  But what choice do I have?  I either remain in the past or I move forward with my life.

Yesterday...

So I didn't post a blog yesterday cause it was a busy day for our family.  My youngest niece for confirmed so we had church with the whole family and then in the afternoon her party.  It was a cool day but nice none the less.  So happy for Rachel, she is growing up.  I can't believe she is already 14!  I do wish David had been here for it.  Sometimes his absence is even more apparent for me at family functions.  I just don't feel like I fit it with my family.  They all have these family's and at least in the past I had David and now I have no one.

Sinus', allergies and headaches!

So my sinus' are still driving me crazy, okay crazier then normal!  I woke up with a horrible sinus headache which was inching towards being a migraine.  I think I have it under control, for now anyway.  And my allergies don't seem to want to go away.  It's not so bad I can breath but my nasal passages are swollen so it makes me feel stuffed up even though I'm not.  I wonder what it would feel like to go a whole day without a headache AND without feeling stuffed up?  At this point I doubt I will ever know but a girl can dream!

7 Months

How is it possible that it has been seven months since my David died?  It feels like just yesterday but on the other hand it feels like I haven't seen him in forever.  I miss him so much, my heart hurts all the time because of it.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare.  I want to roll over in bed and see him laying right there beside me and realize this was all really a nightmare and then I swear I am never going to sleep again.  I am so lonely and so unhappy just very very unhappy!  Why did this happen to us?  Why after so much that we went through did he have to die at 42?  He still had a long life to live and so much more to do.  Why?  I need to know why he was taken from me?  What did I do wrong? :*(

It's funny

The closer we get to fall the more excited I am for the new tv seasons to start.  Yet the closer we get to summer the more excited I am for the tv season to come to an end.  I spend far to much of my life watching tv and the sad thing is I cut way down this year and still feel like I spent to much time watching tv.  Luckily during the summer the only mighttime shows I watch that have new episodes are: Army Wives, In Plain Sight and DropDead Diva.  Though I do kinda want to check out the new one on TVLand I keep seeing advertised with Betty White, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves and Wendie Malick called Hot In Cleveland.

And on what I consider not so much a funny note but an interesting one I got a new Bible today!  Well it's actually used but new to me.  It's called The Message and is a contemporary version.  I already owned the New Testament version but this one is the entire Bible, Old and New Testaments!  I am really enjoying reading the Bible this way, it's written in a way that I am understanding things much more then I ever did in the past.  So on this one Pastor Z you get two thumbs up for making the recommendation that I get it.  Your other reading and video recommendations, ummmm yea not so much but it's okay you can keep trying! :->

And here is one of my "life" type quandaries

When it is time to "move" on?  When I laugh there are times I almost feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be wearing black for a year and so deep in mourning that I can't enjoy anything?  And yet there are things said even the day David died that made me laugh.  It's kind of like walking a tight rope, stuck between grief and wanting to be "normal" whatever that is.  And then there is the extra pressure I put on myself, am I moving on to fast or not fast enough?  I couldn't put myself as widow right away on facebook but I finally did.  I took my wedding rings off at 4 months out but even this week I find myself rubbing that finger and feeling like something is missing.  I even changed my status to single on facebook because technically it is what I am.  I am single, not married but not divorced, my marriage did not fail but I am back to being all alone.  Too young to feel like a widow who is okay with being alone til I die and yet can't even believe I have to think about trying to go through the whole dating and getting to know you process all over again.  We were supposed to grow old together damn it!  Once he got his new kidney we were supposed to finally get to live our dreams and not be overwhelmed with worrying about his health.  But instead of us moving forward with our dreams I sit here wondering if I will ever be with another man again.  And I am not just talking sex, I am talking just having one be part of my life.  A man who loves me for me even when I am in uber bitch mode!  One who can handle the fact that all I ever wanted to be was a mom and now have to accept that that ship has sailed.  One who is willing to be with an extremely overweight woman with pretty low self-esteem.  But one who would do anything to make the man she loves happy, one who does love with her whole heart and is willing to forgive over and over again if he does something wrong and hurts her.  He also has to like cats and dogs and be willing to join my church and I am sure there are other things but those are the big ones for me.

I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.  David made me see how much I loved being one half of a couple.  He completed me.  What if he was the only one on the earth who did or would? :-(

On the job front

Still no job but did finally get to talk to the first person who interviewed me and she says I am still being considered for a job or they would have sent me a letter by now telling me otherwise.  It is just so frustrating.  I am qualified and I am confident I could do a good job, I just need them to hire me already!

One of the worst things about getting your time of the month?

It's a constant reminder that your body failed to do what it was made to do.  What makes it even worse for me now is each cycle I know there is absolutely no way I could even remotely be pregnant, unless I am Mary the sequel, and yet when I get my period I am reminded that not only am I not pregnant but my clock is running down faster and faster by the day.  I am reminded that not only have I lost my husband but I have lost the child/ren we had hoped to have and the odds are against me ever getting to be a mom.  And hey let's just rub it in a little bit more by having my period show up two days after Mother's Day. :-(

*Sigh*

So I had applied at a place back in January but for some reason the application stalled.  I noticed they were still hiring at the end of February so I asked and they said I could re-apply.  So I did on March 1.  On March 31 I finally got called in for an interview.  I was brought back in for a second interview on April 5 and even sent on a home visit.  And since then I have heard nothing from them.  Even though I have called them several times over the last few weeks.  I am so frustrated and just want a job, I just really need a job! :-(

Mother's Day for the Childless....

This day has sucked for many many years for me.  In the past though I at least had David to lean on, to offer me the support I needed to get through the day.  This year I am basically on my own.  But not really.  Usually our Church service seems to be all about being a Mom and how great it is, but thankfully our Pastor who did today's service didn't make it all about Mother's Day.  That helped, it helped a lot.  Plus I had two great friends who went to the earlier service who let me know it was safe for me emotionally to go to Church, they "reviewed" it for me and would have let me know if they thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.  Plus I have a wonderful niece who made sure to see me and let me know she loves me.  She is a very special girl who brightens my world everytime I see her or even just think of her!  I also have many friends who have lifted me up today just by letting me know that they know this day is painful for me.  I don't have the life I wanted, not even a tiny bit but I am blessed with the family and friends who are such a huge part of my life.  It made this day all the more bearable for me.

Thank You!

I really hate the weather in Indiana!

It had been fairly warm all week and now today it feels like we are heading back into winter type weather.  I don't like it to hot or to cold, why is it so hard for Indiana to just find a happy medium?  And of course this drop in the temps is making my sinus' act up. :-(

It's been 7 months today since this latest detour began

You know that saying you don't know what you have until it's gone?  I knew what I had, I loved what I had, I appreciated what I had and now that it's gone it makes it hurt that much more.  I can't believe it's been seven months since he was last able to talk to me.  I still don't know how to live without him.  It's amazing that I lived by myself for two years but the minute David entered my life my life became all about him and me as a couple.  We were a unit in the truest sense of the word.  He wasn't just part of my world he was my world.  And in two days it will be Mother's Day, just another reminder of what we never got to have.  What I will never get to have now.  I don't know how to go on without him.  Without the dreams we had.   Why was he taken from me?  Why was I left all alone?

And in what kinda sounds like a pathetic accomplishment

I actually grilled my dinner tonight!  Grilling was always David's job and I didn't even know if I would be able to turn on the grill, but I did.  I made hamburgers (made extra so now all I need to do is nuke the leftovers), did almost burn a couple of them but seriously not bad for my first time using this grill by myself.  Just wish I had thought ahead to make myself some potato salad to go with the burgers.  But I do have some slow churned strawberry ice cream for dessert. :-)

On the list of things David did for me...

That I hate doing for myself: WEEDING!  Sure it doesn't take long but those things hurt when they prick you and he got way more enjoyment out of gardening then I do.  I just want it to look pretty, I don't want to have to do anything to make it look pretty.  Can someone please invite a magical garden that weeds itself and waters itself and the flowers are always in bloom?  Oh yeah they call that a movie set. :-D

Sometimes it is the simple things...

It has never taken much to please me, not really.  For example the other day I dropped off something at church to be put in the weekly newsletter asking for people to join the team I have formed to walk in David's memory and/or to donate money.  I just turned in simple text but one of the secretary's (Annette!) took the time to find a logo for the kidney walk to put in with what I had written.  I just meant a lot to me.  Then this past Sunday one of my Pastor's called me Mrs. Alvarez.  That just warmed my heart because even though I am now officially single a huge part of me still feels married to David and maybe I will always feel that way.

And today I managed to make my mom happy.  She has swollen vocal chords due to acid reflux and she has had to go on a fairly strict diet which includes no dairy.  Well she has started to drink Soy Milk and I was sure someone had to make a soy ice cream.  I found some at the store today and bought her a container.  You would have thought I gave her a million dollars she was so excited to get to have ice cream.

Sometimes it really is just the simple things that can make life so much easier or happier for those around you.

Is it just my Lucy or...

Do all dogs feel the need to put their chew toys on some part of your body to chew on them?  Cause Lucy does it all the time.  Usually my feet.  The other day on my arm and she misjudged and bit me instead of her toy.  Oh yea and a few times she has put them on my boobs and I was like no way!  About the time she misjudged on that one she would have been in so much trouble!!  But tonight she is driving me crazy (okay crazier then normal!) because she is insisting on using my foot as her toy holder and her nails, which I just trimmed the other day, are killing me!  Why?  Why?  Why?

To sleep or not to sleep, that is the question!

The week David was in the hospital I was running on pure adrenaline.  I would spend the day up there with my mom and whoever else all came up to visit.  I would take breaks for lunch and dinner and then spend a few hours of the early evening up there as well.  I would then go home to let Lucy out of her cage to run and play for a few hours.  I would shower and then usually around midnight to 1am I would head back up to the hospital.  I needed those late night hours, they were the only time I got to spend with David by myself.  I loved that so many came to see him or sit with me but I needed that alone time, I guess because even though I hoped he would wake up I knew this was my last chance to be with him by myself.  I would stay for a few hours and then head home to get a couple of hours of sleep before waking up and doing it all over again. 

For weeks/months after he died falling asleep at night wasn't the problem, staying asleep was.  I would wake up one to two hours after falling asleep and not be able to get back  to sleep and then when I did fall asleep again I would again wake up one to two hours later.  I was physically just exhausted but my body would not let me sleep, not the way it needed.

Then I went through a phase where I couldn't fall asleep because my mind wouldn't shut off.  So I had to start taking sleeping pills.  They seemed to help but then the nightmares started.  So I would wake up anyway often in tears.  Sometimes I could remember the nightmares, sometimes I couldn't.  That last maybe for two months.

Now for the last month or two I often have trouble falling asleep but not as bad as before but all I want to do is sleep.  Lucy finally doesn't wake up at the crack of dawn so most mornings we don't get out of bed until well after 10am and then if I have nothing else going on I may stay awake long enough to eat some lunch and then Lucy and I go back to bed and take a nap.

I just wish my body would stabilize and allow me to sleep like a normal person. :-(

Fort Wayne Kidney Walk 2010

So on Sunday I had asked them to put a note in my church's news and notes about this years Kidney Walk.  I have formed a team to walk in memory of my David.  I also asked for donations.  Tonight I went to the Ladies Society spring party and while I was there one of the ladies gave me a donation and the Elders who were having a meeting downstairs took up a collection and they alone gave me $55.  The generosity of the people in my church just always reaches my heart and reminds me time and time again why I am so glad we had moved back here and were back at my church.  I love my church and do thank God every day for it and the people who not only belong but run it.  So much love, it just really warms the heart.

No two snowflakes are alike

That is what I almost named this blog.  Because the journey through grief for each person is just like snowflakes, no two are alike.  Sure what I am thinking and feeling may be similar to what someone else who is grieving the loss of their loved one thinks or feels but because we are all unique human beings we can never truly share the same feelings, the same emotions.  But then I decided that if I named it based on my journey through grief than that is what this blog would only be about.  So I decided to go with something more encompassing of my life and it's twists and turns.  So while I will definitely be dealing with my grief over losing my David I hope also to be able to share joy on here as well.

My life working in Los Angeles

By special request we will go back in time right now so I can talk about my days working in the "industry" and all of that stuff.

I mentioned I moved to Los Angeles to do an internship at The Young and the Restless.  I had also interviewed in New York for internships on Another World and All My Children.  When Y&R offered me the internship I knew it was the one I wanted.  Not only are they the number one rated soap opera but also living in California would be cheaper then living in New York.  Okay not by much but cheaper is cheaper.  Plus there was the whole idea of it being sunny and not having to deal with snow plus beaches and just so many celebs.  Now my mom and I drove to Los Angeles so I could take the stuff I would need to live there for at least 10 weeks since that is how long the internship was for.  After she left though I was so completely homesick is was disgusting.  I just wanted to go home!  However that Monday I get to the studio and it was everything I hoped it would be and more.  An intern is mostly grunt work but I loved every minute of it.  Meeting the actors, watching them tape the scenes, getting to sit in the booth and watch the director work.  It was just magical to me.  By and large the actors on the show were just great.  The only one I can honestly say I dislike with a passion is Eric Braeden.  He is a pompous jerk!

But I did have my favorites and they were/are Michelle Stafford, Peter Bergman, Jeanne Cooper, J. Eddie Peck and Eddie Cibrian.  They were all very sweet and would just spend time talking to me and making me feel so welcome there.  When Peter Bergman heard about a problem I had with Eric Braeden he had me sit down in his dressing room and he told me about the time he and Eric got into it.  He wanted me to know that Eric does this to lots of people, not just interns.  How nice is that?  For an actor to take the time to make an intern feel better.

While I was doing my internship an Associate Producer saw me working and asked if I would be interested in a  job on a new primetime comedy she was going to be working on.  She had me come in for an interview and hired me to start immediately after I was done with the internship.  Matter of fact there was a small glitch with when I would start.  I had one week left on my internship and that was the week she wanted me to start at her show.  Well I only worked two days a week on the internship, mondays and thursdays.  Well the AP called my boss at Y&R and they worked out a deal, I did my internship on monday and tuesday that week and on wednesday I started my new job on a show called Local Heroes.

Local Heroes was only ordered to make 6 episodes and only one actually aired, it was that bad.  I learned a lot and the big thing was I wanted to go back to working on soap operas.  I felt they wasted so much time on the comedy.  It took one week for them to make one half hour episode, while on a soap opera they tape an episode a day.

After Local Heroes I ended up working at Universal Studios, in the theme park, and that is where I met my David.  After we were married and because of something else that had happened, which I will probably save for another post, I quit working there.  Next up was working on Sunset Beach.  I loved it, back on a soap opera and best of all one of the producers was from Y&R and one of the actors was Eddie Cibrian so I already knew two people when I got there.  Sadly though it was canceled just over a year after I started there, but it was great while it lasted.  Then I had interviewed at ABC to work on General Hospital but sadly that was when Disney bought ABC and they put a hiring freeze.  I would have loved working on GH since I have watched it off and on for years!

Not much longer after that we decided to move back to my hometown and see if David would like living in a small town in the midwest as opposed to a big city like Los Angeles.  And thus ended my life of working in the tv industry.  I may not have gone as far as I wanted but at least I can always say I did do it, I did get to live out that dream.  Even if it didn't go as far as I hoped!

Meet my furbabies

Of course you know what David and I look like since I posted the last picture of us.  But I thought since we never got to have children I should at least share with you our furbabies.

This is Toby, I got her the day after I moved to California.  We had to put her to sleep on June 26, 2009.  Yeah 2009 ended being a truly sucky year!

This is our Bailey.  We got him in October of 1997.  He is my snuggle buddy.

This is our Sydney.  We had to put him to sleep on October 28, 2006.  He was the friendliest cat I have ever met!

This is our Zoey.  She was Daddy's girl and I can tell she misses him a lot!

This is our Bosco.  David picked him out and I named him after one of my favorite characters on Third Watch!

And this is our Lucy Lu.  She was born June 28, two days after we had to let go of Toby.  We got her just two months before David went into the hospital.  She is the main thing that gets me up every morning!

First week and a half after my world stopped

You know how when something bad happens and you say something like "I just can't imagine?"  About a month before David died a senior at New Haven High School lost her very long battle with cancer and I just couldn't imagine the grief they were going through.  And then not long after that a member of my church who was the same age give or take of David died suddenly.  I just couldn't imagine what her husband and son were going through.  I guess I shouldn't have kept saying that because God has now made me know what it is like to go through that.  It's like being in a living hell or in a nightmare you can never wake up from.  Even today it still doesn't seem real.  There are times I just keep thinking David will come home from wherever and life will go back to when it felt normal to me.  But he won't come home, not ever again, just thinking it breaks my heart each and every time.  How do I live without him?  He was truly my best friend, my soulmate I told him things I would never, could never tell anyone else.  He knew who I was to the core and loved me anyway.

The day he died I can see as clearly as if it was yesterday and yet it feels so foreign to me.  After he died they took all of us to a quiet room where I had to sign papers and answer some questions.  My mom, my pastor, my uncle and the hospital Chaplain were all there.  I did have to call his family first though and let them know he had died.  Hardest.phone.call.ever!  And then I just had to see David again so I went in his room where they were cleaning him.  I just wanted to hold him and tell him I loved him and I was so sorry for not being able to save him.  I really just wanted to crawl right there into bed with him and go to sleep with him.  It's stupid but a part of me always hoped that when we had to die some how maybe we could die together so neither of us had to leave the other behind.  And now here I sit alone.

But let's take time to appreciate the one funny moment of the day.  I had gone back to the quiet room and we were dealing with the stuff and I see my cousin (well cousin-in-law) Becky went running past.  She had hoped to get there before David was gone.  We managed to stop her and get her to come into the room with us.  She sits down next to me and asks if I am thirsty, she knew diet 7up was my drink of choice since giving up regular coke in Feb of 2009 and she had brought a diet 7up for me.  Now she had it in her purse and of course with her running to get to David's room her purse had been knocking around so I bet you know what is coming next.  She gets the diet 7up out of her purse and goes to open it for me and it sprays all over me and the hospital chaplain.  Hey we needed a break in the moment and she provided a laugh for all of us that we really needed! :)

So after everything was done at the hospital we headed to my house.  Becky decided to help by cleaning my kitchen for me while mom and I went to the funeral home.  I don't even want to discuss that fiasco, suffice it to say I will never recommend Harper's in New Haven but I will always recommend D.O. McComb and Son's.  McComb's treated me with respect and compassion and took a bad situation and did their best not to make it worse, unlike the Evil Place as I prefer to call the other one.

Mom decided Lucy (our puggle puppy) and I should come stay with her.  I didn't say yes, I didn't say no.  I think I was so numb I just did whatever anyone told me.  We finally got David's funeral scheduled for Monday October 19.  I dressed him casual the way he was most comfortable in shorts and wearing his favorite pair of flip flops.  I even had them put his mp3 on him and the ear buds in his ears (they did take that and his wedding band off for me before they closed his casket for burial) and his Texas A&M blanket on him.  He looked like my David.  When my dad died my mom gave him a kiss while he was in the coffin.  It grossed me out at the time but I totally get it now.  During the viewing I stood there holding David's hand, I wanted to feel him for as long as I could, I never wanted to let go.  When it was time for them to close the casket for the funeral I lost it.  I knew it was the last time I would see him ever again.  I just held him and kept kissing him.  I wanted to crawl right into the casket with him.  I didn't want to go to the funeral I didn't want to have to live through saying that final goodbye to him.  I don't know how I did it.  Honestly I couldn't have told you who was at the funeral or even what all was said.  Luckily my mom did think to have them tape it and a couple of weeks later I was ready to listen to it.  It was a very nice funeral and Pastor Zeckzer did an excellent job, mainly because he knew David so well.

I stayed with mom for a week and a half after David died but I knew I had to go back home sooner then later.  The longer I put it off the harder it was going to be.  Plus we still had our cats at home and now they had been abandoned by both David and me.  So home I went.  It is so lonely here.  I was never the social person that David was but not having him here to talk to at any given time it's so hard.  We were basically together 24/7 from December 2006 until the day he died.  I went from all to nothing and I still am not used to it.  I miss talking to him, I miss him hugging me.  I miss laying in bed and playing with his hair while he slept and I couldn't.  I just miss him and am so afraid I will be living alone for the rest of my life.

Me 1969 to Oct 2009

So I am just going to try and give you my story up to when David died and then make a new post from that point on and so forth.

I was born in Fort Wayne, IN and raised in New Haven, IN. I am the youngest of three girls. My sisters are 9 and 10 years older then me so really in many ways I was raised as an only child. I currently have 8 nephews and nieces and 4 great-nephews/nieces with 2 more due in July. And that isn't counting my family from David and I do count them but have no clue how many of them there are!

When I went to college I originally was majoring in Criminal Justice but then I took a production class and fell in love with it. So technically I had a double major going one in Criminal Justice and another in Radio/Television. I moved to Los Angeles in June 1995 to do an internship on the soap opera The Young and the Restless. I ended up staying there and not finishing my degree.

I met David while working at Universal Studios in 1996. We were married on May 31, 1997. We stayed in California until September 2003. During that time he had two different knee surgeries from injuries he got while working. We moved back to my hometown in September 2003. In March of 2004 David was supposed to have yet another surgery on his knee but his blood pressure was so high he could not have the surgery. We then found out that he had kidney failure. One of his kidney's had only grown to the size of a walnut and the other was a centimeter smaller then it should be. In December 2006 David went on dialysis. In December of 2008 we got the call that he was going to get a kidney transplant! A woman had come in and wanted to donate one of her kidneys to whomever matched and my David was the one who matched with her! We were so excited!! The surgery went well and with the exception of his blood pressure going up again and now his blood sugar levels as well because of the anti-rejection drugs he was on he was doing great. He had his energy back and was starting to work out and look for a new job.

Then came the day I doubt I will ever be able to forget, October 7, 2009. We had gone to Spiece in the morning to work out and then to Sam's Club to pick up some stuff. I had a sore throat so David made us chicken noodle soup for lunch. He always finished his food faster then I did so I wasn't surprised when he was done and I had barely started. But then I saw him go into our bedroom and I asked him what was wrong. He said he just wanted to lay down for a little bit. I could hear him breathing out in the living room so I asked him again if something was wrong. He said his chest hurt. When I got in the bedroom he was rubbing the top of his stomach near the lungs. I thought he was having a severe asthma attack. I asked if he could manage me driving him to the ER and he said no. So I got him to put warmer clothes on and move into the living room while I called 911. While I was on the phone with 911 he stopped breathing, his lips were turning blue and his face was turning white. Then he started having seizures. They told me to pick him up and get him flat on the floor so he would be ready when the paramedics got here. They told me he had a pulse but then when they turned him on his side to put the back board under him I saw him flatline. He flatlined again in the ambulance and a third time in the ER. All combined his brain went without oxygen for over 20 minutes. They put him into a coma and put a cooling blanket on him in hopes it would allow his brain to heal. Even in the coma he kept having seizures though. He was on a ventilator and he was matching it breath for breath which I took as something positive. He never responded to any stimuli though, not pain or light. They did a multi-day EEG and it showed the only brain activity was the part making him still breath. On Sunday October 11 I signed a DNR in the event he went into heart failure. They didn't think he would make it through the night so my mom and I spent the night with him. He proved them wrong. On Tuesday October 13 the third neurologist to see David met with me and explained that the odds of David ever waking up where basically slim to none. And if he did somehow wake up he would never ever be my David again. So after talking with one of my Pastor's and with David's nurse I made the decision that I would have him taken off the life support on Friday October 16. I had decided to wait until then so family and friends could all come up and say their good-byes. The next morning as I was waiting for mom to come pick me up so we could go to the hospital for the day I got a call from David's nurse. He wanted to know if I was coming up because David had taken a turn for the worse and it would be any time now. We got there about 8:30am and I had them keep him on the ventilator until the Pastor could get there. David died at 9:13am October 14, 2009. My world went so dark, he was my first and only love. Living without him seemed impossible.

David and I on September 24,2009 at the Kidney Gala Event.  This is the last picture taken of the two of us and was just shy of two weeks before he collapsed.  We were so happy here, we finally felt like life was moving forward.

Welcome to my detour...

So I have heard songs and sayings about how life is a highway. And I think that is true, but my life has been hit with a major detour! This blog is going to be about my life to now and where I go now that I have hit this major detour. It will be sad, or at least have lots of sad stuff but I am also hoping it will have humor. I also hope it will show how all of this has changed me and will continue to change me and hopefully for the better. I am heading to bed now but tomorrow I will post a hopefully brief synopsis of my life, but yeah probably longer winded then I expect it to be. Sometimes I have nothing to say and sometimes I feel like I could talk forever. I hope any of you who take the time to read my blog will enjoy the ride down this highway with me.