Eclipse Tonight!!

Heading out with a bunch of my girl friends tonight to watch Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse!!  Can't wait!!  Still kind of riding my happy high from Saturday night.  Hoping this means I am finally moving forward with my life.  Hoping I will find someone new to love and spend a life with.  I want so much in life but mostly just to be happy.  And having a husband and a family to call my own is one thing that I think would make me very very happy.

Party last night!

So I went to my friends house for a party last night.  Now I have heard how these parties can be but being there first hand, well it was fun! :->  I drank way to much and more or less decided I am single and it's time to have some fun.  I didn't get home until after 3am and to say my head was spinning would be an understatement.  But I did cool off first by going into the pool with a bunch of the other party goers.  For the first time I ignored how fat I am and just went with it.  I am so glad I went and so glad I feel like I am really living again! =)

Getting To Know You Questions

Thought it would be fun to answer some random questions I found online!

• Do you like pets? Do you have any?  Yes I love pets.  I currently have 3 cats and a puppy. 
• What was the last book you read?  I am currently reading the bible.  The last one I finished was the latest JD Robb book.
• Are you fond of cooking?  Yes I just don't have a big enough kitchen to really enjoy it.
• Have you ever lived in another country? No.
• Have you ever met a famous person? Yes, cause I lived in LA and worked on TV shows.  But I have also met Keith Urban!
• What do you do in your free time? Facebook mostly.
• What kind of food do you prefer eating when you are out?  Chinese or pizza.
• What are the various languages that you know to speak in? I used to be able to speak German and read Spanish.
• What cartoon character best describes you the best?  Eeyore!
• If you had, an option to choose a place anywhere in the world where you could live for a year, where would it be?  New Orleans.
• If you knew you would not fail at it, what kind of work would you attempt doing?   I would love to either write and/or direct a movie!
• What super-power would you most like to have, and why?  Invisibility, so I could find out what people say behind my back.
• If you had $5 million to spend in 5 days, but with the clause that you could not spend any of it on yourself or your family, what would you do with it? I would give 1 million to the National Kidney Foundation.  I would give another million to the Diabetes Association,  I would give 1 million to Resolve to help people with infertility.  And I would give the last 2 million to my church to make sure we meet our budget and to use on missions or other charities we are involved in.
• Which sports do you like?  Baseball (Cubs), football (Colts) and basketball (Hoosiers).
• Who do you respect the most? My Pastors and several of my closest friends.
• Who plays the most influential role in your life?  God
• Which is your favorite concert you have ever attended? Keith Urban!
• Would you bungee jump? Yes, I think.
• What were you like when you were a kid? (happy, playful…) I was outgoing, according to my grandpa anyway.
• When was the first time that you had alcohol?  I don't know I was a kid.  My parents always let me have wine with 7up at Thanksgiving.
• If you were the richest person on earth, what would you do with the money you had? I would take care of my mom and buy myself a newer car and make sure to donate to charities and my church.
• What would your dream house be like? It would have a huge gourmet kitchen.  The master bedroom would have a walk-in closest and the bathroom would have a jet tub.  I would also have a huge family room and a huge backyard with a swimming pool and hot tub.
• If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why? Be more confident, because then I would hopefully believe in myself.
• What do you prefer - spontaneity or stability? Stability!
• Do you love kids? Yes, very much!
• Tell me about a favorite event of your adulthood/childhood. Meeting and then marrying my late husband.
• What are your hobbies? Reading, watching movies and bible study.
• What is your favorite color?  Green, lime green to be specific but I also love sage green as well.
• What is your favorite flower?  Sunflower, they are so cheerful and happy looking.
• What is your favorite time of day?  I am a night person!
• What is your favorite season? Fall, I love when the leaves are changing and it is warm during the day but cool at night!

Hot Showers!

I LOVE hot showers!  The hotter the better IMO.  David used to call me his lobster when I would get out of a shower cause I had usually turned my skin red from the heat.  A couple of times I have over done it and gotten light headed from the heat but has that stopped me?  Nope! =)  And today after mowing the grass and doing some other lawn work I realized that when you are hot and sweaty there is nothing more soothing then standing under a hot spray of water.  I could just stand there forever I think.  It's like I can feel my body sighing as the water runs from my head down to my feet.  I like baths to don't get me wrong but I love showers more because I am able to stand there with the water running over my head and since I am now on day 10 of having a headache that was just so soothing for my head.  To bad the headache is still here but I will take what I can get. =)

Feeling very blessed tonight!

It sucks that I had to lose David.  There will always be a hole in my heart from his dying to young and way to soon.  But I am seeing that his death has opened my eyes to a lot of things.  Like the fact that while I don't feel the family connection to my family that I wish I felt, the friends I have made in life has more then made up for that.  You don't realize how lucky you are until you find your life turned upside down and you have true friends who are there for you.  Some I have in my life and some I only have online but all of them just mean the world to me.  I will never forget this for as long as I live!

Ever feel like you aren't moving forward?

I feel like for so long my life has been stuck in one place.  Or on the rare chances we moved forward a step it felt like we ended up getting shoved back like 5.  And since David died I see all these people going on with their lives, having children or whatever and I get jealous.  I want that and I feel like any chance for that has been taken from me.  But I need to stop thinking that way.  I am allowing myself to not move forward.  No one is holding me back but me.  I need to just live, really let whatever happen happen and take it one day at a time and not expect things to get better over night just because that is what I want.  Life doesn't work that way.

A new day..

Did a lot of thinking this weekend.  Which shouldn't be shocking since I am an introvert and tend to over think everything.  I may not like who I am or who I have been, but I see who I can be and I am starting to like that person.  I am growing in my faith and because of that in who I have the potential to be.  Not everyone may like the "new" me but that will be their problem.  I need to worry about myself first.  If I am the person I believe God wants me to be then that is all I can do.  Have I been a bitter unhappy person?  Yes and considering everything I have been through in life that isn't a surprise.  The surprise IMO is that I am now coming through the other side and trying to get above being that person.  I never felt I was strong enough or good enough but I am starting to feel an inner strength and realize I am good enough and I can't let others opinions of me push me backwards.  I can't change others but I can change myself.  Others can only put me down if I allow them too and I am going to try very hard not to allow them to anymore!

Yesterday's Kidney Walk

It went great.  My mom and my cousins were there for me family wise and then my best friend from college along with my church family was there.  I am so blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.  They make my world a better place even when I am so not happy at all!  Between the entire group we exceeded the amount I hoped we would raise as a team, so go team Lil Bear's Walkers!!  Mom and I had a friendly competition to see who could raise the most money.  I bet her by $35 but it was neck and neck the whole time for us.  I woke up not feeling good yesterday.  I think the headache which I am now on day 6 of having might be more then just a simple headache.  My mom and several of my friends are wondering if all the stress I have been under has not caused me to have high blood pressure.  I will have to get it checked out I suppose, so hopefully I do get a job soon and can afford to get it checked out.  I spent the rest of yesterday sleeping.  Woke up early to try going to early church, I did kind of like it because there weren't as many distractions during the service as there is during the second service.  May keep going to the early one to see if I really like it or not.

I did take a nap after church and then went to my mom's for lunch and now I think it's time for the second nap of the day.  One of these times I'm going to be lucky and wake up with the headache finally gone.  Well I'm trying to be positive about it anyway. ;-)

Headache day 3

So I woke up Tuesday morning with a headache.  Thought it might be sinus' so I used my netti pot.  Nope headache still there.  I took some of my Excedrin migraine pills before I went to bed that night hoping it would go away while I slept.  No such luck, tried multiple things yesterday and it still didn't go away.  Woke up this morning with it worse then ever. I think it may be tension because while I am looking forward to the kidney walk on saturday a part of me is dreading it.  I'm afraid of how I will handle doing this without David.  This was his thing and I want him to be proud of me and I feel like I am putting more pressure on myself for some reason.  I think I am going to go lay down in bed with the curtains closed and see if that helps. =(

Yet another headache!

Seriously!  I woke up with this one.  I am sure it is weather related, it is in my sinus area but it is so annoying!

I made it through yesterday okay, the eight month mark of David dying.  This weekend is the kidney walk and I am sure it will be good and sad all at the same time.  I love continuing this "work" for David.  He loved it so much and it meant so much to him.

And I forgot to mention that last week I got the nicest thank you card.  On December 30, 2009 I had put a letter to the editor in the evening newspaper honoring the anniversary of David's transplant and reminding people to be tissue and organ donors.  This woman was touched by my letter and wanted to thank me for writing it.  She even included a clipping of the letter.  She had received a cornea stem cell transplant last year and was thankful for the family who donated them and allowed her to get her sight back.  I guess since she didn't know who they were she wanted to thank me for the two people who would have gotten my David's corneas.  It was a very sweet card and came at a good time for me.  A random act of kindness, the world needs more of those IMO.

Note to self

Always remember to take your anti-depressant!  Because even when I miss only one dose it makes me extra emotional and extra tired!  Missed yesterdays dose which would explain the post from yesterday and why I feel like someone has drugged me today!  It's not even noon here and I am so going back to bed to take a nap.

Oh and today's sermon at church, another one that really hit home for me.  It's something I have been trying to do for months now.  I know I need to focus on me and who I am and what I do right and wrong as opposed to others.  I can't change anyone else but I can make myself the kind of person God created me to be!

I did forget...

In my sadness about David today I forgot to brag about Lucy Lu.  Okay so she isn't a kid or anything but she is my baby!  I took her to the parade, the route went just to the corner of where I live so in the event she wasn't behaving I could just walk the three house length to get her home.  But she was such a good puppy!  She let little kids pet her and she licked one little girls nose and made her giggle.  She only tried barking at another dog and she did want to get the candy they throw out.  But she pretty much just sat there and watched the parade go by.  She will be a year old in two weeks!  And right now she is laying on my lap sleeping.  There were days right after David died that I really regretted having a puppy to deal with but I am so happy I have our Lucy Lu! =)

Being positive...

When one is faced with something like losing their spouse they should qualify for disability pay.  Just trying to stay positive when your heart is broken is a full time job and an uphill battle.  I always knew if David went first I would have a hard time dealing with it.  I never knew it would rip me up so much though.  It will be 8 months on Monday that he breathed for the last time and I can't stand that so much time has already gone by.  I feel like the entire world should have stopped when my world did.  Why does life have to go on?  Why can't we just be allowed to stop and grieve without having to worry about the day to day crap?  Today was the Canal Days parade and David loved the parade, he loved all of Canal Days. We would walk down several times a day just to walk around and people watch.  And of course he had to get at least one elephant ear, but he usually talked me into buying him a second one before the festival was over.  I have been down once to walk the whole thing and did go to the parade but it isn't the same.  Nothing is the same without David.  He was the one who lived life to the fullest and when he died he took all of that light and happiness with him.

So yesterday before the power outage I did want to post about a potential job I am trying for.  One of my best friends, the place she works is hiring and she recommended me for the job.  I went in for the informal interview on Monday and they finally posted it online so I could officially apply for it yesterday.  The guy who does the hiring, the one I interviewed with on Monday, is on vacation this week so I won't hear anything about a formal interview until next week Monday at the earliest.  It is only part time to start (25 hours a week) but if you work at least 20 hours a week you qualify for benefits which includes insurance!  And in two years it will go to full time and it is the night shift which is what I want.  So could everyone please send positive thoughts and/or prayers my way?  Thanks!

Power outages suck!

So my nice relaxing evening was interrupted by a 3 and a half hour power outage.  I do have a longer blog post to make but I am to tired tonight to type it up.  It will keep until later. =)

Life. same just a different day

I guess this week has gotten away from me.  I didn't even realize I hadn't blogged anything in 5 days.  Which is either good or bad depending on how you look at it. 

So Sunday nothing much happened, just church.  I am finding I am getting more out of the sermons now that I am going to bible study and reading the bible daily on my own.  This Sunday's sermon really hit home for me because it was about death and a lot of what the Pastor talked about is my reality now.

Monday I had my "informal" job interview.  I think it went well but they still have to post the job online and interview others who apply.  It would start out part time and in two years it would be full time.  I can live with that, especially since at 20 hours I would already be eligible for insurance!!

Tuesday was a comedy of errors for the kidney walk coming up on the 19th of June.  Don't ask!

Wednesday was bible study and my nephew Matt's fiance came as well as a friend who is still in high school.  I love getting new people to come to bible study.  And never in a million years would I think I would have felt that way before David died.  If nothing else my faith is growing stronger every day for some reason.

Which brings me to today.  Nothing to exciting I mowed the grass.  Went to Sam's Club with my mom and am now watching the Cubs game.  Later she is coming over and we are going to walk down to Canal Days and watch my friends daughter perform her dance routine she learned for her recent recital!  After that my niece has a softball game.

I really lead an exciting life don't I?

And by the way I am ready to start dating again, so if any of you who are living in my area know of a good unattached guy consider me if he is looking for someone. =)

I am NOT a morning person!

I do not like getting up early!  My body or really my brain doesn't even begin to wake up until around 9am.  Which is actually an hour earlier then it used to be.  So why am I up?  Oh yea I said I would help my nieces-to-be with a garage sale they are having.  Must go back to bed but can't until at least this afternoon.  I am so taking a nap!  Especially cause I slept bad last night cause of the sunburn I got from helping them yesterday.  I really hope they appreciate this!

I hate...

I really hate it when I get to tired these days because it tends to make me extra emotional.  When you are crying for no apparent reason it is time for a nap!  Which I was and I did take one and feel better now.  But really hate that simply being tired can push my buttons like that.  Sometimes I really worry about myself!