Life goes on...

Whether you want it to or not.  I have always known that but now I really see it.  When David died I wanted to, it would have been so easy to just go further into myself and block out the rest of the world.  But either because it really wasn't in me to do that or because enough people cared about me to keep nudging me out I didn't.  My life before David died was, well David.  I did go to Curves and Spiece and do exercise classes without him and of course he had his dialysis and golf he did without me but other then that we were together all the time.  It's one of the reasons why I miss him so much every single minute of the day.

However since then I still go to Spiece, though haven't lately cause the pool is closed for maintenance.  I am helping with out Church's foodbank on two different teams so twice every six weeks.  I am going to be folding the Church bulletins once every eight weeks.  I go to Wednesday morning Bible Study, will be going to Sunday morning Bible Study when it starts up the Sunday after Labor Day.  I am going to try teaching ESL to Burmese students every Monday night at Church.  On Wednesday's I get together with my friends for a weight loss/general support group.  Bowling starts soon and even though I only joined for David I am still going to do it because I miss my friends.  There is talk of starting an evening Bible Study that I would go to.  And I am still subbing all the time for EACS in the kitchen.  I have a life and not one that costs lots of money, just time and energy and lots of love.

I didn't think I would survive David dying.  I still have moments where I question if I really really will.  But I am actually enjoying everything I am doing.  I am getting out and helping others and I love doing that.  I am getting closer and closer to God and I really love that.  I wish I hadn't lost David but I am thankful I am finding myself and I like who I am!  I think I am a pretty caring and giving person and there is nothing wrong with that.  I'm not beautiful, not even that pretty but I have a large heart that just wants to help and be happy.  It's a pretty good start I think. =)

Allergies, Sinus' and a really stuffed up head!

So I have worked every school day so far at Meadowbrook!  I love the little kids, they are so cute and so many of them are really sweet and polite.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling like I was getting a head cold, but I later realized it is allergies and my sinus' were messed up.  I didn't get the job at INC but did get some really positive feedback, so maybe some day in the future?  By Thursday my allergies were so out of control I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep.  They did start getting better on Friday and by today they aren't completely horrible anymore but I am still stuffed up.  And even with all of that I did manage to get in four six mile bike rides with my friends this week.  Think we will have to slow those down though as everyone is just getting to busy.  But something maybe to look forward to in the spring!

Missing David more and more and just feeling so lonely.  I miss having someone here with me all the time.  I miss the love and affection and companionship.  I miss my David. :*(

Am I jinxing myself?

So Monday morning started off not great.  I realized the pharmacy had shorted me one month of my three month supply of my anti-depressant.  They fixed it right away, it helps that they knew me because of David.  And the week just went uphill from there.  I went in to pay my frontier bill and they said I was eligible for 3 months of free HBO and Cinemax.  Yay!!  Then I got a message from my friend that her work wanted me to come in for an interview for a job. Did the interview on Tuesday and it went well I think.  Wednesday is bible study which I LOVE and also the day my weight loss group meets and I lost another pound this week.  Yay!!  Today I subbed at Meadowbrook in the kitchen and I really liked it and the time went by fast.  Then I went for a test for the job I interviewed for and I think I did really good.  I got a 93% on the alphanumeric test, a 96% on the numeric only test and a 70% on the Excel test and the lady who did the test said that because the Excel test is so hard 70% is the average high score for people who take it at that office!  I feeling so strong and confidant and just connected to God this week.  Hope, hope, hope this feeling lasts.  I hate the crashes and just love feeling this way about myself! =)

Have a job...sorta!

I am going to be working as a sub for the school system in the kitchen.  I am already scheduled for the first two days of school and could get more days right away.  It won't be a lot of money but it is way better then nothing!  Definitely the boost I have needed!

Anxiety attacks suck!!

I have been having little ones off and on all day long and now I am having a major one!  I know what's causing it but now I can't stop it.  I haven't had one this bad in months.  Between not being able to breath and clenching my jaw I seriously think I could go insane tonight!  I mean seriously, not even joking. =\

Yet another day has gone by

Still really depressed but feeling a little better.  Went to church this morning and we sat in the back which means I couldn't hear very well.  Since the sermon touched a lot on what I am going through (yes God I see your hands all over that one!) I decided to go again tonight so I could actually hear it all.  It's kind of annoying because it feels like God knew where my head would be this weekend so he had the Pastor do this specific sermon today.  Very annoying and yet comforting all at the same time.  Almost like he used my Pastor to talk to me.  I am still struggling, a lot.  But the sermon has given me a lot to think about in a positive way.  It also helps that all of my friends have supported me and told me it is the companies loss and in my heart I know they are right.  I would have been a damn good employee for these people and they have lost out on a golden opportunity.  So now I need God to show me which direction I am supposed to move in next.

So a whole day has gone by...

I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me?  What do I do or say or not do or say that makes people not want to hire me?  Is it because I am too fat?  I have been working on that for so long and it is such a huge struggle for me.  But I can't lose the weight over night, if I could I would believe me.  I don't know what to do to get people to want me to work for them.  I have only had two places even offer me interviews out of all the ones I have applied at, and if one more person tells me it is a crappy economy I will scream!  I know it is but both times I have been brought in for interviews I felt so confident and then nothing.  So it has to be me.  I just wish I knew what it was that they don't like about me so I could change it!

Knocked down again

So I didn't get the job.  I don't know what to do or think or feel anymore.  I am so tired of getting kicked while I am already down.  I don't know what God wants from me.  If there even is a God.  Not only am I at the end of my rope but the rope is gone.  I just want to be with David, it's all I want.  It's all I think about.  It's all I care about.  So now I just wait until I can be with him again.  It's all I have left in me.

Sigh - again

I just seriously feel like my life is stuck in some horrible nightmare.  I can't seem to move forward, no matter how hard I try.  Maybe I am moving forward and just can't see it.  But right now I feel so stuck and am just so unhappy and so lonely and just really want my husband back.  Yea we were poor but we were poor together.  This being poor all by yourself just sucks.  I know that no one thing will make me happy or my life complete but getting a job would be an improvement.  Not worrying about how I am going to pay bills or buy even the very basics in groceries would be a nice change of pace for me.  I am just feeling so UGH tonight.  And of course when I am like this I miss David so much more then I already do every other minute of the day.  I just really want to be with him. =(

So I have made a decision...

Chris the one who wasn't picked by Ali tonight on the Bachelorette, if by some miracle you read this blog I will marry you. =)  And I am good with our honeymoon being in Bora Bora but I will understand if you never want to go back to that island because it holds bad memories for you.  We can go some where else, I'm good with it as long as you are there with me.  Just saying! =)