It's interesting how things you do as a teenager can be remembered by an adult even long after you have forgotten it.  I went to a funeral viewing today of some friends of mines father.  One of the women there is the mother of yet another friend of mine from years ago when we went to school together.  She remembered who I was and how I had made a wrestling scrapbook for him my senior year, his junior year.  I was a wrestlerette, kind of like a cheerleader/manager for the wrestling team.  There was a whole group of us who did it.  Each of us was assigned a varsity wrestler who we basically were in charge of.  We would decorate their lockers on the day of wrestling matches and then at the end of the season we made them a scrapbook to remember the season by.  She could still remember the scrapbook I had made and that was 24 years ago.  I had completely forgotten all about it but she said I did such a good job with it that she will never forget it.  Things like that really mean so much to me.  To know I made an impression like that as an 18 year old who was struggling just to make it through high school.  It helps me realize I had and still have more potential then I gave/give myself credit for.  It was a nice reminder for me to look at the positive today, instead of worrying about all the things I do wrong.

By and large I really don't cry very much anymore about losing David.  But there are times, like now, when I am just overwhelmed with emotion and the ache of not having him here with me anymore.  My life is okay, I guess.  I'm working and have plans for the future and I have great friends.  And my faith is as strong as it has ever been.  But the day to day stuff you have to deal with, like allergies or sinus problems or shoveling out from a storm or something breaking in the house or just having to deal with a co-worker who is currently intent on making you feel like crap or a bout of insomnia or even just simple boredom.  Those are the times when I can feel that huge empty space in my life.  Those are the times when the ache in my heart is almost to much to handle and when the tears start and don't seem to want to stop.  It's when you can be in a room full of people and feel so utterly alone.  It will be 16 months soon since he took his last breath and I can't believe that much time has passed already.  I know I am a much stronger person now then I was then.  I know I can handle almost anything that comes my way now but I still miss him and need him in my life.  And I am really tired of crying over something that can't be changed no matter how much I wish it could.