Strange Dreams

So it has been a rainy cool day here, which means perfect for napping!  Okay okay since I am a napping Queen I don't really need it to be rainy and cool to take a nap but I do love taking them even more on days like this.  So I was on my second nap of the day when I had the strangest dream.  I dreamed I had planted cucumbers.  Now since I don't like cucumbers that part is strange enough but what made the dream really strange was where I planted them.  I planted them behind my bed, yes inside my house and into the floor behind my bed.  WHAT?!?  And it wasn't my bedroom here, in the dream it was my bedroom where David and I lived in Burbank and that was over 9 years ago.  So in my dream I am picking the cucumbers, they are along the wall and in the baseboards and I had several good sized ones I was picking.  So any of you who can interpret dreams, any clue what in the heck this dream means? =O

What have I done?

So I have gone back and forth with the thought of looking for a guy online.  I never sought out a guy David sought me out.  I am so not good at dating.  David was my only real relationship.  Well in a weak moment I signed up for eharmony.  I think I am way to picky they only sent me two matches and then I am way to chicken to contact them.  Well the other day on facebook it gave me an ad for match.com and I thought what the heck.  So now I am signed up for that too!  I am doing the free version of both which means what I can see or do is limited.  Since signing up for match.com three men have cyber winked at me.  One is 50 from Los Angeles, one is 49 from Orlando and today's is 47 from Santa Rosa, CA.  He reminds me a lot of David and ironically his name is David.  I winked back at him!! =O  There is no way it will happen because he is there and I am here but he is the cute and the first guy who made my heart jump.  To bad he doesn't live near me. =(  Not that we would fall in love or anything.  But seriously what was I thinking signing up for these sites?

Grief

So today I had one of my sessions with my pastor.  He has been doing grief counseling and well just counseling with me since a few weeks after David died.  There really isn't much more he can do for me.  I know it is all up to me now.  But when I have one of my sessions I feel safe and know I can say how much I just miss David.  I know I can tell my friends to but I have this fear that there will come a point when they are sick of hearing it so I try not to say it to often to them and save it up for my sessions.  Today he asked me what I miss the most about David.  I miss every little thing about him.  I just miss having him here with me.  I miss being able to look over to his chair and see him sitting there sleeping.  I miss being able to reach out to his side of the bed and feel him lying there.  I miss looking forward to him coming home to me.  I just miss him so much.  How am I supposed to live without him?  In theory I am only midway through my life span, how do I live another 40+ years without him?  He wasn't perfect but he was mine.  I didn't go out looking for him but there he was and he wanted me.  Why I will never understand but he wanted me and now he is gone and I am all alone again.  And so the tears started flowing in my session and now they can't stop.  I hate this feeling, it is just so overwhelming. =(

The Bachelorette

So how did I get addicted to this show?  Oh yea my friend Amanda did it last season by getting me to come over and watch the Bachelor with her.  I could never ever do a show like this, I wouldn't want to set myself up to be hurt by not being the one who is picked in the end.  But I do watch it faithfully now each week with Amanda and whoever else comes over to her house to watch with her.  Plus I do enjoy the train wreck aspect of it.  I mean come on who doesn't love Kasey singing and saying over and over that he just wanted to guard and protect Ali.  Had I known how many times he would utter that phrase I would have had us make a drinking game out of it.  But then again I would have probably been to drunk to drive home while he was still on the show.  I do wish someone would go back through the season and count how many times he did say it.  Guy was a bit nutty if you ask me, not that you did. =D

Enough with the heat already!!

Seriously my fat should be melting it is so hot out!  =(

But in happier news I have a job interview on Wednesday.  I am hopeful I will get it.  I know I am qualified and I know I would do a great job.  Now I just need to convince the people interviewing me to hire me instead of one of the other 6 people they will be interviewing for the position.  I'm due for something to go right in my life, aren't I?

I have spent the last couple of nights helping my friend Amanda with her UpperCase Living.  Between getting her ready for her open house and helping her to put up some of her projects it finally got me motivated to put up all the ones I had ordered last year.  I even put up the Believe In Miracles one which after David died I swore I would never put it up.  I hung it in my bedroom so I can see it before I go to sleep and after I wake up in the morning.  It is hanging above the bible verses my pastor printed up in large print for me to hang up where I would read them often to help get me through my grieving process.

Here are pics of the UL I have:

This one I had awhile ago and decided to put it on a piece of painted wood so I could move it from room to room if I wanted to.

This is the one in my bedroom

I put this one in the hallway.

This one is in the kitchen.

This is in the living room above the mirror that hangs over the fireplace.

 

 

And because I love the products so much here is a plug for Amanda if anyone is interested in placing an order!  http://werling.uppercaseliving.net/Home.m

It is possible to be happy and sad all at the same time!

So my oldest nephew Josh and his wife had their baby boy Henry today.  They already have two daughters and this is the last baby they intend to have and they were of course hoping for a boy.  I am really happy for them.  but at the same time I can't help but wondering why I wasn't able to have at least one child with David.  Why I am now all alone in life.  Friends/family isn't the same thing after a spouse has died.  They can only fill up so much of my time before they have their own lives to deal with.  It's the happy things that make me feel the most alone in life.  I miss David so much and it hurts so much and it's a double edged sword.  I want the pain to go away but I don't because as long as I am hurting I know I am still remembering David. =(

Why

If you believe in God like I do there are so many times you just sit and think why.  Why did David go through all the stuff with the kidney failure just to die anyway?  Why did Ellie give him one of her kidneys and now he is gone and she only has one kidney?  Why are the one members of my church's two year old grandson having to deal with brain cancer?  What could that little boy have done to deserve that?  Why are people given the blessing of having children but they don't love them and turn around and abuse them?  Yet David and I would have loved and cherished any child we could have had and we were left childless.  The why's will drive you crazy if you let them.  I will always want to know why but I am coming to terms with the fact that I never will get that answer.  I just hope God does plan for me to find the happiness I so desperately want.  I hope!

My journey with Infertility

I always said I didn't want kids.  I really did but I didn't think I would ever get married because I didn't think any man would ever be attracted to me.  And in my mind marriage and kids go hand in hand, I'm traditional that way.  Then I met and married my David and I wanted kids.  It was all I could think about.  At first we had the when it happens it happens theory.  Then time went by and my cycles were getting more and more out of whack.  So I went to one doctor but then got transferred to another and blah blah blah years later still don't know why they are so out of whack.  The theory at the time was my body just didn't adjust to not being on birth control properly. And do you want to know the irony of that situation?  I was put on birth control cause my cycles were out of whack, I had mid-cycle bleeding.  Yep put on them to correct the mid-cycle bleeding even though the cycles in and of themselves were running like clock work.  Go off the pill and I am lucky if I get my period every other month!  I mean really, the cure turned out to be worse then the original problem. *sigh* 

So 6 years or so into our marriage and still no luck getting pregnant and cycles still super long.  Then I started doing the whole temping thing every morning to see if I was even ovulating, good news is I was.  Bad news is they were just really long cycles with a super late O.  Then one cycle I see that I have O'd but I don't get my period.  We thought we had finally done it.  Only problem is all my body had done was have gallstones.  Yea great!!  I had to have an ultrasound done to confirm so mine wasn't congrats it's a boy or a girl, mine was yep you have gallstones.  The pain was horrendous and they say it's a lot like labor, so oh joy I have had the pain without the joy of having a baby to show for it. *rolleyes*  And then just because I think God has a screwy sense of humor my nephew and his brand new wife found out they were pregnant without trying and without wanting to be for several more years.  Had I really been pregnant our due dates would have been one day apart.  And with the gallstones it further threw my body out of whack and I went three months without a period.  Then once it started it didn't want to stop, I went three months with bleeding.  Basically I had three periods with just heavy spotting everyday in between.  UGH  The good news is a new doctor finally figured out what was wrong I had/have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome.  They put me on a low dose of metformin and poof my cycles were as regular as they used to be.

And thus ended the good news because just as soon as my end got fixed we found out David's end wasn't so good because of the kidney failure.  We were told we were perfect to do an IUI but that costs money so I had to save up for it.  We finally were able to do it after David's kidney transplant.  We did one in May 2009 which failed and then another in June of 2009 which also failed. =(  David was 42 and I was 40 at the time.  And in ironies another nephew and his wife did get pregnant in June and had I been pregnant our due dates would have been one day apart.  God really enjoys the jokes doesn't he?  But even though the IUI's failed and my clock was ticking away I didn't give up hope.  We figured once David got a job and we had some more money saved up we would just go with adoption but then David died and thus ended all of that.

I still long to have a family though, it's not an emotion you can just turn on and off.  I ache for it really.  Being infertile in a family that is full of fertility is so hard.  Every family gathering I am reminded of what I don't have, what my body failed to do.  And it is even worse now without David.  I lost so much on October 14.  Maybe I will get lucky and marry someone with kids or marry someone who wants kids and we can try IVF or adoption.  Maybe I will still get my family.  I don't know but I do know infertility has had a major affect on who I am and how I see the world and not always in a good way. =\

Heat plus that time of the month =

A not so happy Becky!  I am so tired of this heat, I don't like extreme hot or extreme cold!  And of course it is also that time of the month for me which adds another level to my over all crankiness.  However this time of the month does work in favor of my water aerobics instructor!  I don't like getting in the water when this is happening so last cycle I started using this time to re-organize the equipment we use for our water aerobics class.  I figure that way they are nice and neat for a few days a month anyway.  And the good news?!  Usually the week I start my period I gain weight because of water retention but this week I stayed the same so I must still be losing weight!  Go me!! =)

Flat top grill

Went out for lunch with a group of friends at Flat Top Grill.  I love that place!  I love that I love eating vegetables there I wouldn't normally enjoy but there they are not only edible but tasty as well.  I love getting to spend time talking to my friends.  This core group of women really have been here for me the past 9 months.  I am so blessed to have them and so many other friends in my life.  When you are going through something like I have you really find out who your true friends are.  I am lucky to have so many in my life!

After that a few of us went to church where we put together the bulletins for this Sunday's service.  My mom and I are going to be taking over our friends rotation of doing it now that she has a full time job.  What a great reason not to be able to do something!!  I am so happy for her!

Still not working myself but still feeling hopeful the latest job I have already had an informal interview at will turn out to be the one!

Nine months

When you are a kid time moves so slowly and yet as an adult it moves so fast.  How can nine months have gone by already since David died?  When will I stop thinking about him and how long he has been gone everyday?  And when that finally happens will I then feel guilty for not thinking about him and how long he has been gone everyday?  This is how my mind works.  I want to be able to I guess you would say move on with my life and yet I feel as if I do move on with my life I will be leaving David behind.  As if he didn't matter to me or I didn't love him enough.  This being a widow sucks eggs!  I'm afraid of moving on to quickly and not moving on quickly enough.  UGH!  And all I really want is to just be with David damn it!

Napping Champion!

So after church this morning I came home, ate some lunch and then went back to bed.  I slept for around five hours.  I so needed it after last nights crying jag.  I still have a headache but at this point I don't want to puncture my head anymore to try and make the pain stop.  It's almost a dull thud now.  Never underestimate the power of a good nap!

There should be no tears left...

In the past nine months I have cried so much that there should be no tears left in me.  I should have used up a lifetime supply, I'm pretty sure I have.  Yet they keep finding a way to come.  Since David died I have had what I consider two major crying jags.  I say only two because both of these lasted literally for hours and I wake up in the morning with a severe headache and extremely swollen eyes.  The first was the night of my birthday, why it was harder on me then his is still beyond me and the second was last night.  Why I sunk so deep last night I have no clue.  It wasn't an important date that I can think of.  I was just so filled with missing him that once the tears started there was no stopping them.  And even right now I sit here with them once again streaming down my face.  The loss of someone you love as much as I love David, it's a pain I can't describe and it's a pain no one should ever have to feel.  It is inevitable, if you and your spouse truly love each other as you should, then one of you will experience this pain.  For the one left behind this hell is very nearly unbearable.  Will I survive it?  In theory yes but at what cost?  Will I ever find love again?  I am told I probably will but I have my doubts.  I never thought anyone would want me and then there was David.  Lightening can't really strike twice, can it?

Feeling blue

I am missing David so much.  I am feeling so lonely.  I just need him here to hold me and tell me everything will be okay as long as we are together.  But we aren't together anymore so how can anything ever be okay again.  I really want to go be with him. =(

Family Fun Night

Once a month my church has something called 'Family Fun Night' in the past several of my friends have invited me to come.  I always felt I would feel out of place because when I was first invited it was just me and David, no kids.  Then after David died I felt I would feel even more out of place because now no kids or a husband.  I finally went last night.  It was okay, it's always nice spending time with my friends.  But I did feel out of place.  I was glad I had agreed to go and help watch the kids while the Pastor did the discussion, which of course was on parenting.  And since the kids were outside riding their bikes I just had one baby down in the nursery plus two ten year olds who were "helping" me.  Will I go back?  Not sure.  Am I glad I at least tried it?  I guess so, just makes me miss David even more if that is possible.  Struggling today with emotions, miss him so much and I am just so friggen lonely. =(

Introvert or Extrovert?

I definitely am an introvert because I think way to much.  I second guess myself constantly and I want to understand why, for everything.  Even things I can't possibly ever know the reason why.  But I also think I have an extrovert hiding inside me.  When I am with my friends I am very chatty and just enjoy being around them.  It's just getting me out, it's getting me to go someplace I am unfamiliar with that is the trick.  I am shy and I do like just sitting at home watching tv, reading and/or hanging out online.  But I also love being around people.  It's a balancing act for me.  When David was alive it was so easy, I didn't need to try and get out I just needed to be with him.  But now I am alone and I don't like being alone but I also really hate trying new things.  True 9 times out of 10 I do enjoy whatever I ended up doing, it's just that fear of the unknown that always makes me want to hold back.

Heatwave number whatever

I don't like the heat, I really don't!  I prefer Fall or Spring!  I don't like it when it is to cold or to hot but if I had to choose I would take to cold.  I say that because I can always put more layers on in the cold but in the heat I can only get so naked before they would arrest me for indecent exposure! LOL!  But really I don't like the heat at all.  I am prone to heat stroke and all that fun stuff. and right now we are in the middle of yet another heatwave. =\

Another first come and gone

They say the year of the firsts after a loved one dies is the hardest.  I think that's what they say anyway.  But I wonder if it really is.  Because this year of first so far in has not been as hard as I imagined they would be.  Mostly because I either had family or friends or family and friends with me for each and every one of them to make sure I have gotten through each of them in as much of one piece as can be expected considering.  I have gotten through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, his birthday, my birthday, the anniversary of our first date, our Anniversary which also happened to fall on Memorial Day, the kidney walk and now the 4th of July.  It makes me worry that because with the exception of two of those dates I did get through them really easily IMO, I worry that the year of seconds could be worse then the year of firsts.  Which is of course inviting trouble I know and is a sign of my being an introvert and over thinking everything.  Which I know I shouldn't do since I have been told I over think things to much by not one but two of my Pastor's.  But the introvert in me just can't stop doing it, though I think I am getting better at it.  Okay that was funny cause I said think and getting better about not over thinking lol!  Wednesday will be 9 months since David collapsed.  Three quarters of a year gone by since I heard his voice.  The ache of missing him grows stronger which is is comfort and a curse all at the same time.  Time doesn't heal all wounds it really does just make the heart stronger to keep getting up every morning and going on as if your heart hasn't been shred to pieces.

I miss David

Some days the ache of missing him is stronger then others.  So many events in life, events that are happy but so sad for me just make me miss him more and more.  And with each day that passes I am getting farther and farther away from him.  I really need him tonight.  I need him to be here to put his arms around me and tell me that everything will be okay.  That even though we don't have children we can still have a great life together.  Only he isn't here and we won't have that life together.  I have to do it alone.  Yes I have friends and I love each and everyone of them so so much but at the end of the day I go to bed alone.  And please don't tell me I have God because last time I checked I couldn't make love to God.  I miss my husband!  I miss our life together even as pathetic as it was.  I just miss my Bubba. =(

Happy buzz gone

So my happy buzz from Saturday night lasted until I went to bed very late Tuesday night, technically very early Wednesday morning.  I enjoyed seeing Eclipse with my friends.  It was fun watching all three movies back to back and right now Eclipse is my favorite movie of the three.  I totally loved Rosalie and Jasper in this one and they were never my fav's before.

However thus ended the happy buzz.  I enjoyed feeling happy.  I looked forward to waking up and not actually just wanting to roll over and go back to sleep.  But it's gone and it didn't last long enough.  4 days though is the longest streak I have had since David died and like I was told earlier today now next I try for a 5 day streak and then each time longer and longer.

I don't know what I want anymore except all I really want is to be in David's arms.  Even when things were at their worst I felt safe and secure in his arms and now I'm afraid I will never feel safe and secure ever again.  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm tired of being sad.  But I don't know how to fix this.  I don't know how to just flip the switch and be happy more and sad less.  I want life to be easy for just once in my life. =(