Yep life is a highway

And you never really know where your life may go.  I am so busy lately.  Between my weekly girls support group meeting on Wednesdays, bible study on Wednesday mornings, Sunday School/Bible study every other week on Sundays and ESL on Monday nights.  Oh yea and working 10 hours a week at Meadowbrook I am keeping pretty active.  Oh and I also am doing the food bank twice every six weeks and bulletins at church once every eight weeks.  I am enjoying being active I am but I wish I didn't have to lose David for this to happen.  I am selfish and I want this life plus my husband.  Because at the end of the day I am still lonely.

I would have to say my favorite of everything I am doing is working with the kids at Sunday School and ESL.  I love them you and older.  They are all so cute and so full of energy and they all just want to learn!

So today at work (after my sort of accident) I was thinking about how much I am enjoying the kids.  David and I had talked about being foster parents but we knew until he got his transplant it wasn't an option and then well we just didn't have enough time to act on it.  So now I am back to thinking about being a foster parent.  I am just in the thinking stage but my gut and heart both tell me it's something I want to do, something I might be good at.  I want to be a mom and there are so many kids out there who want/need a mom who will love them and do their best to raise them the right way.  Maybe this is what I was meant to do?  Maybe this is God's purpose for me?

Emotional roller-coaster

When this grief journey first started my pastor said it was like being in the ocean.  You could always feel the water moving but every once in awhile the waves would come crashing down on you.  So basically you are sad all the time but every once in awhile the grief just overwhelms you.  And that was true the first 9 months or so.  But the last couple of months I feel like it's more like being on a roller-coaster.  You slowly work up to feeling okay or even happy or content or even just okay and then boom you are barreling down into the darkness in an almost freefall.  It's worse then the ocean because the grief when it hits now is coming more and more out of the blue and just sucker punches you.  Sure I understand why it's happening but it just seriously shoves me backward and I so don't like it.  But I am liking myself, I am seeing that I have potential.  I'm not perfect and never will be and I am okay with that.


I also know that I am very blessed.  Blessed because I do still have God in my life and I am closer to him now then I ever have been.  I also have a mom who loves me and I know she hates seeing me in pain and she tries her best to help me.  And I have friends, so many friends and I will forever be grateful for each and everyone of them.  They have helped me in so many ways.  When something like this happens you do find out who your friends are and I love mine so much and I have so many more then I ever realized.

Less then a month until the one year anniversary.  The roller-coaster is probably going to be working over time, especially cause I am an overly emotional person even on a good day lol.

I wonder...

What would my life be like right now if David hadn't died?  I know I wouldn't be as close to my friends as I am now, so that is one thing I would not want to change.  Everything else though?  And I do mean everything else I would change back in a heartbeat to have David here with me.  In 4 weeks it will be a year and I hate my life and I hate having had to open myself up and I just I don't know what I want but this isn't it.  This ache in my soul this pain in my chest, these tears once again streaming down my face.

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1.02.28

A Good Nights Sleep

I'm still sad and I still miss David, but it is amazing how much better you can feel after a full/good nights sleep.  I wish I didn't have so many sleep issues.  Maybe if I didn't the rest of my life wouldn't feel quite so out of control all the time.

I'm just so lost...

The pain and sadness since last night has just grown and grown to the point I just don't know which way to turn.  I don't know who I am and I'm starting to forget who I was.  I thought turning more toward Church, towards God would help but I feel just as lost and confused today as I did the day David died.  All I do know is that I want to be with him, it is the only thing that makes sense to me.  He would make everything okay.  Nothing is ever going to be okay again, I just have to learn to accept it.  This is my life now and I hate it and I just have to learn to live with it.  I don't know how but I don't really have a choice.  The one thing I do know is this sucks it just really sucks and no pain I ever felt in life prepared me for this.

When will this pain go away?

I really can't handle it anymore.  My heart hurts so much.  Can't stop crying.  The pain is just so intense.  I want David, I need David.  I have never felt so all alone in my entire life.  I just want the pain to go away and I don't want to be lonely anymore.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  I don't know how to make this better.  What do I do?  =(

Crash

I am just so ....and...I just don't....so alone...miss David...eleven months next week.  Don't know what to do.  So lonely...sinking.  I want David back!!!  Can't stand the pain.  So overwhelming.  Can't stop crying.  Miss him so much.  To much.  =(  Don't know what to do.  Why?  All alone.  =(