The week David was in the hospital I was running on pure adrenaline. I would spend the day up there with my mom and whoever else all came up to visit. I would take breaks for lunch and dinner and then spend a few hours of the early evening up there as well. I would then go home to let Lucy out of her cage to run and play for a few hours. I would shower and then usually around midnight to 1am I would head back up to the hospital. I needed those late night hours, they were the only time I got to spend with David by myself. I loved that so many came to see him or sit with me but I needed that alone time, I guess because even though I hoped he would wake up I knew this was my last chance to be with him by myself. I would stay for a few hours and then head home to get a couple of hours of sleep before waking up and doing it all over again.
For weeks/months after he died falling asleep at night wasn't the problem, staying asleep was. I would wake up one to two hours after falling asleep and not be able to get back to sleep and then when I did fall asleep again I would again wake up one to two hours later. I was physically just exhausted but my body would not let me sleep, not the way it needed.
Then I went through a phase where I couldn't fall asleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. So I had to start taking sleeping pills. They seemed to help but then the nightmares started. So I would wake up anyway often in tears. Sometimes I could remember the nightmares, sometimes I couldn't. That last maybe for two months.
Now for the last month or two I often have trouble falling asleep but not as bad as before but all I want to do is sleep. Lucy finally doesn't wake up at the crack of dawn so most mornings we don't get out of bed until well after 10am and then if I have nothing else going on I may stay awake long enough to eat some lunch and then Lucy and I go back to bed and take a nap.
I just wish my body would stabilize and allow me to sleep like a normal person. :-(
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