You know how when something bad happens and you say something like "I just can't imagine?" About a month before David died a senior at New Haven High School lost her very long battle with cancer and I just couldn't imagine the grief they were going through. And then not long after that a member of my church who was the same age give or take of David died suddenly. I just couldn't imagine what her husband and son were going through. I guess I shouldn't have kept saying that because God has now made me know what it is like to go through that. It's like being in a living hell or in a nightmare you can never wake up from. Even today it still doesn't seem real. There are times I just keep thinking David will come home from wherever and life will go back to when it felt normal to me. But he won't come home, not ever again, just thinking it breaks my heart each and every time. How do I live without him? He was truly my best friend, my soulmate I told him things I would never, could never tell anyone else. He knew who I was to the core and loved me anyway.
The day he died I can see as clearly as if it was yesterday and yet it feels so foreign to me. After he died they took all of us to a quiet room where I had to sign papers and answer some questions. My mom, my pastor, my uncle and the hospital Chaplain were all there. I did have to call his family first though and let them know he had died. Hardest.phone.call.ever! And then I just had to see David again so I went in his room where they were cleaning him. I just wanted to hold him and tell him I loved him and I was so sorry for not being able to save him. I really just wanted to crawl right there into bed with him and go to sleep with him. It's stupid but a part of me always hoped that when we had to die some how maybe we could die together so neither of us had to leave the other behind. And now here I sit alone.
But let's take time to appreciate the one funny moment of the day. I had gone back to the quiet room and we were dealing with the stuff and I see my cousin (well cousin-in-law) Becky went running past. She had hoped to get there before David was gone. We managed to stop her and get her to come into the room with us. She sits down next to me and asks if I am thirsty, she knew diet 7up was my drink of choice since giving up regular coke in Feb of 2009 and she had brought a diet 7up for me. Now she had it in her purse and of course with her running to get to David's room her purse had been knocking around so I bet you know what is coming next. She gets the diet 7up out of her purse and goes to open it for me and it sprays all over me and the hospital chaplain. Hey we needed a break in the moment and she provided a laugh for all of us that we really needed! :)
So after everything was done at the hospital we headed to my house. Becky decided to help by cleaning my kitchen for me while mom and I went to the funeral home. I don't even want to discuss that fiasco, suffice it to say I will never recommend Harper's in New Haven but I will always recommend D.O. McComb and Son's. McComb's treated me with respect and compassion and took a bad situation and did their best not to make it worse, unlike the Evil Place as I prefer to call the other one.
Mom decided Lucy (our puggle puppy) and I should come stay with her. I didn't say yes, I didn't say no. I think I was so numb I just did whatever anyone told me. We finally got David's funeral scheduled for Monday October 19. I dressed him casual the way he was most comfortable in shorts and wearing his favorite pair of flip flops. I even had them put his mp3 on him and the ear buds in his ears (they did take that and his wedding band off for me before they closed his casket for burial) and his Texas A&M blanket on him. He looked like my David. When my dad died my mom gave him a kiss while he was in the coffin. It grossed me out at the time but I totally get it now. During the viewing I stood there holding David's hand, I wanted to feel him for as long as I could, I never wanted to let go. When it was time for them to close the casket for the funeral I lost it. I knew it was the last time I would see him ever again. I just held him and kept kissing him. I wanted to crawl right into the casket with him. I didn't want to go to the funeral I didn't want to have to live through saying that final goodbye to him. I don't know how I did it. Honestly I couldn't have told you who was at the funeral or even what all was said. Luckily my mom did think to have them tape it and a couple of weeks later I was ready to listen to it. It was a very nice funeral and Pastor Zeckzer did an excellent job, mainly because he knew David so well.
I stayed with mom for a week and a half after David died but I knew I had to go back home sooner then later. The longer I put it off the harder it was going to be. Plus we still had our cats at home and now they had been abandoned by both David and me. So home I went. It is so lonely here. I was never the social person that David was but not having him here to talk to at any given time it's so hard. We were basically together 24/7 from December 2006 until the day he died. I went from all to nothing and I still am not used to it. I miss talking to him, I miss him hugging me. I miss laying in bed and playing with his hair while he slept and I couldn't. I just miss him and am so afraid I will be living alone for the rest of my life.
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