Does anyone watch the show "In Plain Sight?"  I used to wonder what it would be like to go into "the program" as they call it.  This show definitely shows me how hard it would be.  I just watched a repeat of an episode where they wanted an Amish woman to go into hiding, change her whole life.  In the end she went back home.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to try and change myself so drastically.  And yet as I type that I think of how I have changed since David's death.  No where near leaving an Amish community to become not-Amish for lack of a better term.  But I have been changed and I don't get to go back because without David there is no going back to what was.  I would if I could, believe me.  But better I would prefer to put the two lives together, have David plus the job, going back to school plus everything else.  I want the best of both worlds.  Who doesn't?  And yet I know it can never be.