I would like to get off of this rollercoaster please?  I want to stop being happy/okay for a while and then bam all I can do is cry.  I don't want to miss David this damn much!!  I want his ass back here where it belongs!!  There are moments when I wish I could go back and have taken a different path in life.  Where I never met David and had just always remained single because then I would not have this enormous hole in my heart in my life.  I would not know what I was missing.  Whoever reads this please do not take any of the following personally as it is not aimed at any one person but at life in general.  Please do not tell me to remember the good times because it hurts to much.  Do not tell me he will always be with me because he isn't.  He just isn't!!  Do not tell me at least you have your mother or your family or your friends because as great as they are they are not my David.  He was my best friend, my husband the one person who got me and accepted me for who I was and knew when I was cranky or whatever not to take it personally.  He knew my moods better then I did.  He could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was die.  Do not tell me at least I had 12 years with him because 12 years is not nearly enough.  Not after we had to work so hard to keep him alive for the bulk of it anyway.  Don't tell me things will get better or I will find love again or maybe even have the children I still so desperately long for because we have no way of knowing if any of that will come true.  For all we know I will now grow old alone and become the crazy widow lady with more pets then are legally allowed.  For all we know I will die all alone and no one will even realize I am gone until days or weeks later.  Please do not tell me my pets are my children, especially if you have a child/ren of your own.  Because while I love my pets like they are my own it isn't the same and you damn well know it isn't the same.  I will never get to feel a child growing inside me.  I will never see my child take his or her first step or say they first word or go off to school or anything like that.  I most likely eventually have to put my pets to sleep, I have done it three times already in the last 5 years.  Will you have to do that with your child?  I hope none of you ever has to decide to take your spouse off of life support, it is the worst thing in the entire world and a decision that will haunt me until the day I die.  The logical side of me says it was the right decision but the emotional side of me still screams that I made the wrong choice.

I am lonely and tired and emotional and struggling to just keep my head above water.  Second guessing every decision I have made.  I don't want to be bitter.  I want to be happy and thankful for what I do have but there is that voice that keeps saying without David how can I ever truly be happy again?  How can I ever truly be thankful for what I do have when I have to have it without him.  This pain is unbearable and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, not that I have any enemies but you know what I mean.

I wish this blog could be funny and upbeat or quirky and make people laugh.  But instead it is sad and depressing, just like me.