My journey with Infertility

I always said I didn't want kids.  I really did but I didn't think I would ever get married because I didn't think any man would ever be attracted to me.  And in my mind marriage and kids go hand in hand, I'm traditional that way.  Then I met and married my David and I wanted kids.  It was all I could think about.  At first we had the when it happens it happens theory.  Then time went by and my cycles were getting more and more out of whack.  So I went to one doctor but then got transferred to another and blah blah blah years later still don't know why they are so out of whack.  The theory at the time was my body just didn't adjust to not being on birth control properly. And do you want to know the irony of that situation?  I was put on birth control cause my cycles were out of whack, I had mid-cycle bleeding.  Yep put on them to correct the mid-cycle bleeding even though the cycles in and of themselves were running like clock work.  Go off the pill and I am lucky if I get my period every other month!  I mean really, the cure turned out to be worse then the original problem. *sigh* 

So 6 years or so into our marriage and still no luck getting pregnant and cycles still super long.  Then I started doing the whole temping thing every morning to see if I was even ovulating, good news is I was.  Bad news is they were just really long cycles with a super late O.  Then one cycle I see that I have O'd but I don't get my period.  We thought we had finally done it.  Only problem is all my body had done was have gallstones.  Yea great!!  I had to have an ultrasound done to confirm so mine wasn't congrats it's a boy or a girl, mine was yep you have gallstones.  The pain was horrendous and they say it's a lot like labor, so oh joy I have had the pain without the joy of having a baby to show for it. *rolleyes*  And then just because I think God has a screwy sense of humor my nephew and his brand new wife found out they were pregnant without trying and without wanting to be for several more years.  Had I really been pregnant our due dates would have been one day apart.  And with the gallstones it further threw my body out of whack and I went three months without a period.  Then once it started it didn't want to stop, I went three months with bleeding.  Basically I had three periods with just heavy spotting everyday in between.  UGH  The good news is a new doctor finally figured out what was wrong I had/have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome.  They put me on a low dose of metformin and poof my cycles were as regular as they used to be.

And thus ended the good news because just as soon as my end got fixed we found out David's end wasn't so good because of the kidney failure.  We were told we were perfect to do an IUI but that costs money so I had to save up for it.  We finally were able to do it after David's kidney transplant.  We did one in May 2009 which failed and then another in June of 2009 which also failed. =(  David was 42 and I was 40 at the time.  And in ironies another nephew and his wife did get pregnant in June and had I been pregnant our due dates would have been one day apart.  God really enjoys the jokes doesn't he?  But even though the IUI's failed and my clock was ticking away I didn't give up hope.  We figured once David got a job and we had some more money saved up we would just go with adoption but then David died and thus ended all of that.

I still long to have a family though, it's not an emotion you can just turn on and off.  I ache for it really.  Being infertile in a family that is full of fertility is so hard.  Every family gathering I am reminded of what I don't have, what my body failed to do.  And it is even worse now without David.  I lost so much on October 14.  Maybe I will get lucky and marry someone with kids or marry someone who wants kids and we can try IVF or adoption.  Maybe I will still get my family.  I don't know but I do know infertility has had a major affect on who I am and how I see the world and not always in a good way. =\