Just..I don't know....

Today is headache day 41.  But it isn't even just the headache anymore.  It's so much of everything.  I am having the headache which isn't as bad in the morning but is worse as the day goes on.  Especially if I am doing any kind of walking.  Like going to doctors appointments.  When I get home I am just in so much pain.  My head is throbbing and I am having all these muscle spasms in the back of my head down my neck and in my shoulders.  I am having this pain in my back between my shoulder blades. My fingers and toes keep getting this tingly feeling and like losing feeling.  My face, my cheeks and lips get numb.  And now my back hurts from the spinal tap that didn't actually go well.  And the more I think about that the more depressed I get.  And I keep getting more depressed because I am blaming myself for it failing.  He kept telling the nurse he needed a longer needle. Maybe if I wasn't so friggen fat he wouldn't have had so much trouble doing the stupid spinal tap. So I sit here crying.  I am crying because I just hurt, I hurt everywhere and they can't seem to make the pain go away.  I am crying because no matter what I do I can't lose weight.  I had lost 50 pounds and even though I haven't changed anything, heck I was even moving around more with the type of work I am doing and yet I have gained back so much of it. I sit here crying because my disability is still pending.  I sit here crying because either I won't ever be able to go back to work, or I will but I will still be in pain and I will just have to try and find a way to work through it even though I get so dizzy when I am walking and have blurred/double vision when I am walking.  But I have to earn money to pay the bills.  And they can't figure out what is wrong with me.  I'm just sad and frustrated and lonely and I miss David more then ever right now!